To My Mother: A Happy Birthday Blog

(Disclaimer: This blog is solely for my mom and I. Regardless if I get readers or not, I don’t care because this is a blog that I had to publish for my own heart. But- I hope you can get something out of it too!)

Age doesn’t guarantee maturity and being a student of life doesn’t guarantee that you are learning. Having kids doesn’t make you a mother just as much as standing in a garage doesn’t make you a car. Because bearing a child doesn’t necessarily mean that you are bearing the responsibilities of properly raising it. Don’t be confused. Starting your cycle, having a child, getting a job, or having a “man” does not make you a woman.

I have had the opportunity to witness what it is to be a woman by the example of my mother. I have watched her and followed in her footsteps for years because she has never let me down. My mom is my rock and here are five reasons why:

1. She knows who she is.

My mom is very different. She isn’t loud or knows how to get “ghetto.” She isn’t like that. Actually, she is kind of a “nerd.” Her jokes are usually corny and she has what we call her “blonde” moments. (No offense, blondes…) At our Pentecostal church, she doesn’t scream or shout to preach. But, she is a teacher using wipe boards and worksheets. When I was a kid I sometimes wished she were different when I wanted her to come up to my school and snap on my teachers after I felt wronged. But, as I grew older, I admire this about my mom. She is a quiet storm (but don’t make her too mad). She doesn’t fit the cookie-cutter image people think that she should be. She is herself and she doesn’t try to be anyone else- no matter who doesn’t like it. And, I’ve seen many people who don’t like it.

2. She is a giver and specializes in giving Godly wisdom.

She is a thinker. So, before she speaks she makes sure that she is speaking wisely. If you were to come to her house, you will witness at least 1-2 phone calls in a 5-hour span from someone looking for some type of wise counsel. I love that I don’t have to go outside of my own family to get Godly advice and loving correction. With no psychology degree, she counsels married couples, singles, mothers, and any type of person that needs assistance. And, I have witnessed substantial changes in many people’s lives after being touched by her. As much as I admire greats like Maya Angelou or Michelle Obama, I cannot say that I have met a wiser woman than my mom.

3. She admits where she is weak.

My mom knows that she is not a phenomenal chef or can sew like tailor. And, she doesn’t pretend to be. She realizes what she is good at and what she needs to work on. But, she doesn’t doubt herself any less because she isn’t great in everything. If she says something wrong or reacts to someone with a stank attitude, she admits it, corrects it, and moves on. No need to be hard on herself. She learns her lesson and keeps it moving. This shows me that being weak in areas or having weak moments doesn’t make you a weak person. Admitting your mistakes or weaknesses and moving on, makes you strong.

4. She loves unconditionally.

I have witnessed my mom take so much crap from people. If any other person were to endure some of this stuff, they would have given up a long time ago. She cares for people who have talked about her behind her back or tried to belittle her to her face. And, she can do this because she is strong. Not because she is weak. She isn’t scared or trying to people-please. She just believes in giving people second chances, if necessary. Don’t get it twisted. She doesn’t let people run over her. But, when the same people that talked about her needs a place to stay, to borrow some money, or wants some advice, she is there for them (after talking to my dad and God about it, of course). This makes me want to love better and more abundantly.

5. She gives her all to her family.

My mother will never have to worry about being taken care of when she is old. She has given life to so many children, that we all know the duties we have to make sure she has a comfortable life. Even though she gave natural birth to two children, she has over ten kids that have been had the pleasure of calling her “mom.” And, even though she has three natural grandchildren, all the children that live around our house call my mother “grandma.” She is the wife to one husband though. (Don’t get worried… lol). And, she loves that crazy (And, I mean CRAZY) man with her whole heart. We all may be begging for her attention. But, if he is in need of her- we can just sit down and wait. She knows that in order to keep her family together, she must love her husband first. Our family would not be where it is today if my mother did not do all that she has done.

My mom has survived marriage at a young age, a baby at an even younger age, the death of her best friend (her mother), raising a crazy kid, raising an expensive kid, becoming a young grandma, and so much more. And, with no degrees, awards, or recognition, she stands tall and proud of whom she has become today and who she has molded us into. My mom is first best friend and the one person that I know that will listen to my crazy career ideas, correct me with love, listen as I read all my blogs and poems, critique my outfits everyday, and surround me with love unconditionally.

I love you mom! Happy birthday!

The Forbidden “S” Word

Now, I know what I am getting myself into here with this blog. Not everyone will agree with it. I’m okay with that. Not everyone will appreciate it. I’m okay with that. Not everyone will learn from it. I’m okay with that. I’m still going to write and post it because regardless if you believe it or not, it’s my truth. May not be yours. But, it’s mine.

Tell me. What were you expecting this blog to be about? No. Wait. I know… Well, get your mind out of the gutter. It’s about something else. J So, what is this forbidden word that I speak of in the title?

SUBMISSION.

(*waits for readers to throw tomatoes)

Ephesians 5:22-24 says, “ Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.”

I feel so bad because “submission” has gotten such a bad rep. Women, feminist or not, can’t stand the word and I used to be one of them. But, lately, I have been researching this word more than usual. And, I want to dedicate a blog to bust some of myths surrounding this forbidden word. Here are five common myths about the word “Submission”:

1. Submission means that you are a slave.

As stated in my previous blogs, I am a very independent female. I have done a lot of things in my life by myself and I take tremendous pride in that. In my teenage years, I would hear people at my church talk about submission and I hated it! I thought that submission equaled modern-day slavery. I thought it meant that the wife does what the husband says and he gets to lounge as she breaks her back. She cooks, cleans, watches the kids, and holds down a full-time job. While, he works all day and comes home to relax. Although some men do this, this is not the definition of submission. Submission has nothing to do with the roles that men and women play in their households. My parents have taught me this. The Bible does not say that the woman has to cook and the man handles the bills. Each home has it’s own “roles” that the husband and wife take up naturally. So, if the man cooks better and he enjoys it, he can cook. If the woman is better with money and enjoys handling the finances, she can do that. Don’t be confused. Submission doesn’t mean that you have to take up certain household tasks. And, no one should be a slave. The household tasks should be split as each person is comfortable with.

2. Submission means that you are less important.

Without a wife, there is no husband. Without a husband, there is no wife. No one person is more important than the other. Think about this. When Adam was created, God saw him and decided that he needed a partner. Someone that he could love. Someone that he could work together with. Someone that he could bounce ideas off of, talk to, procreate with, laugh with, etc. He needed Eve to fulfill his purpose. Just because he was created first doesn’t make him more important. That is like saying that every first-born child is more important than the other children to the parents. It’s the same thing with men and women. Society has confused us. Women have been overlooked and degraded for so many years that we, as a society, have begun to think that women are supposed to be treated as such. This isn’t true. And, it’s not the way God planned it either. Both sexes are equally important.

3. Submission means that your opinion doesn’t count.

If this is true, count me out of marriage… lol! Ok. Seriously. This isn’t true either. I’m not sure how we read the Bible and get a totally different interpretation than what God was saying. But, we do it ALL the time. Submission does not mean that the wife has no say-so. This isn’t even realistic. Especially with the women of today. We don’t take easily to people (men or women) that tell us our opinion doesn’t matter. As wives, we can voice our opinion to both the husband and to God. As a matter of fact, God desires this. He tells us to make our requests known. If your husband is truly after the heart of God, he will want to know your opinions to. He will realize that your opinion is both valid and necessary. He will want to make sure that you are comfortable with the household decisions because he cares about you. If he doesn’t do this, don’t get mad at God because God doesn’t approve.

4. Submission lets the man get off easy.

Nope. Nope. Nope. Another issue that our society has is being misinformed and doing nothing about it. So, do me a favor. Keep reading after the scripture I gave you. It says that husbands must love their wives just like Christ loved the church. To fully understand this, you must be able to fully understand how much Christ loved the church. Jesus Christ didn’t just walk around casting out devils, healing the sick, and checking Pharisees. He willingly laid down his own life for a world of people that would slay Him continuously. They literally beat Him, spit on Him, mocked Him, and banged nails into his flesh. He was aware that more people would hate Him than would love Him. He could’ve called a multitude of angels to rescue Him. Yet, He stayed on that cross. This is true love. This is the love that a man is supposed to display for his wife and family. So, no, he isn’t getting off easy. He has a huge pair of shoes to fill. He must be concerned about his wife before he even thinks about himself just like Christ. The Bible also says that husbands must love their wives as they love their own bodies. I could go on and on about that but, you can figure that out on your own. ;)

5. Submission means he gets all the credit.

This is a myth too, people. Submission means that you surrender to the mission of your family. It’s not about who gets the credit or who’s in charge. Respect is one of the biggest needs a man has. Submission is about respecting your husband enough to let him lead the family, not dictate. This is done as he (as stated in #4) loves his wife as Christ loves the church. (And, excuse me. But, there seems to be nothing more attractive than a man that knows how to lead with confidence.) When you truly love your occupation, you don’t care if your boss gets the credit or not. You just do what you are supposed to do. And, if your boss is both ethical and grateful, he/she will give you the credit that you deserve. This is the same in marriage. You fulfill your role as a wife because you love your family. Not because you want credit. And, if your husband loves you and is grateful for you, he will give you the credit that you deserve.

I’m not writing this as someone that has experienced marriage. But, I am writing this as someone that is still learning about marriage and preparing myself for such an important role as a wife. I want to go into my marriage understanding the importance of submission, not wrestling with the idea of it. So, this blog is a lesson for me as well… I know how hard it is to wrap one's heart around a word that has been attached with such great negativity. But, sit down and think about it. Think about how important it is for a wife to yield to the mission of the family, support her man, and allow her man to feel respected. It doesn’t make you powerless. It makes you powerful. Remember, love isn’t a power struggle. It's about letting your guard down and letting someone care for you as you care for them.

“When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace.” -Jim Hendrix

Talk Is Cheap: Be Expensive

I once heard a quote that said, “If you sell yourself cheap, only cheap people will buy you.” Wow. This is the truth! Think about it for a second…. I’m a total sale shopper. So, when I go into a store, I walk right past the items at the front of the store and make a beeline to the clearance items. The bigger the sale, the more excited I get! Why am I a sale shopper??? Because I only have sale money! I have a small amount of money that I have to spend and I’m not going to use my entire shopping budget to buy one expensive thing. I rather buy a whole bunch of cheap stuff! If I had more money, I would buy more expensive things. Do you know what I would do to buy a pair of Christian Louboutin shoes? I would love to walk in those cloud-like shoes with the red bottoms! But, I refuse to use my whole check to buy a pair. So, right now I’m hitting up DSW (used to be Payless) with the hope of finding some really cute, really cheap shoes!
Did you hear what I said? I don’t have much money, so I buy what I can afford.

This is the same with the relationships. How? Glad you asked!

If you could put a dollar amount on you, how much would it be? A hundred dollars? A thousand? How about a trillion? I’m sure that someone is saying, “I’m worth infinity!” But, how did you come up with this number?

If you said that you are worth an enormous amount of money, explain why. What makes you this expensive? Your value is derived from what you have to offer. Let’s be real. If you have nothing to offer, you will not attract a high bidder.

Louboutin shoes are not expensive just because. These shoes are said to be some of the most comfortable heels ever made. These shoes are usually decorated with elaborate feathers, the highest valued python, plush satin, and atypical designs not seen anywhere else. In particular, one Louboutin shoe design is made from the finest alligator skin and sells for about $4,700.

I hear females talk about their dream man all the time. They want a man that makes 6-figures. A man that is loving and caring. A man that rubs your feet and massages your head. A faithful man. A man that can buy a mansion and with a white picket fence. A man that will protect you. A man that resembles Boris Kodjoe or Idris Elba. A man that loves God. Well, that is all fine and dandy. I wouldn’t mind that myself! But, how do you plan to attract a man like this? As women, we must be aware of our responsibility in attracting a man like this… You cannot go around looking like “Who do it? And what for?” and expect to attract a man like that.

Evaluate what you have to offer. Offer some class. Offer some elegance. Offer some grace. Offer some sophistication and maturity. This doesn’t mean that you forget who you are or you lose your personality. But, there comes a time in every woman’s life when refinement is necessary. So, be honest with yourself…

You teach men how to treat you.
I remember a time when I was letting a guy treat me less than I was worth. I really liked this guy. So, I let him get away with things to appease him and his mammoth ego. One thing that stuck out to me was that he would never call me. Never. He would only text me. What?! That is both rude and suspicious. But, I let him do it. I remember asking him one time why he never called me and he said that it wasn’t necessary. Wasn’t necessary?! Immediately, I should have deuced out on his behind. But, I didn’t. I stayed. So, when he stopped texting me and coming by all together, I found out I was just a rebound girl for him and I had the nerve to be confused!
I thought, “I’m worth more than that! I’m not some rebound girl!”

I knew this, but he didn’t. Why? Because I didn’t teach him. I wanted him to call me, but every time he texted me, I responded without even blinking. I wanted to be a priority in his schedule, but let him see me whenever he felt like it. I wanted him take me on a real date, but I went to his house every time we hung out. So, how could I expect him to treat me any differently??? I sold myself short.

If you want to be treated like a queen, act like one. Don’t go outside with your hair in rollers and your children with snot noses. Don’t yell from one end of the store to the other end in an attempt to stop your child from climbing in the frozen meat freezer. Don’t go to church with your tightest, shortest skirt on. Cover up and have some secrets! Learn that modesty can go much further than showing all your skin. Don’t spend all your money on getting a new hairdo and your kids look like The Little Rascals. Don’t spend all your money on getting a new hairdo and then can’t pay your bills. Wear clothes that fit. Wear makeup that doesn’t look drag-ish. Treat other women right. If you see a woman with some cute shoes, give her a compliment. Don’t be a hater. Don’t be evil to men. Trust somebody! Don’t make him pay for your exes’ past mistakes. But, guard your heart. Don’t let just anyone come and sweep you off your feet. Get a job and keep it. Don’t expect someone else to pay your bills. Work on your anger issues. Get rid of that stank attitude. It’s not cute at all. Forgive. Love. Blush. Laugh from your gut. Don’t bad mouth people. Watch the news. Learn new words. Get a hobby. Fine tune a talent. Sing. Dance. Act. Go to a play. Go to the opera. Travel. Get off your neighborhood block for a little while. See the world. Prioritize your life. Learn time management. Don’t be late to everything. (That was for me.) Make some promises to yourself and fulfill them. Increase your value!

If you work on yourself, you won’t even fall for the “cheap buyers” anymore.

We cannot put all the blame on men for the way that they treat us because most of us taught them to treat us improperly. Know this… You are a queen. You do deserve the best. You are worthy of untainted love. You are more expensive than a pair of Christian Louboutin shoes. You are the best person to be you. But, it’s up to you to teach men (and women) this! The next time some guy tries to “spit game” ask him how much he has in his wallet because you don’t come cheap.

I’m in the same boat as all the other single women of this world… To get the results we want, we have to put in the work! Smile! You’re gorgeous and very capable!

Tootles!

BNC


P.S.
• If you want a man that has a 6-figure job, realize your responsibilities. He most likely will be going to important events and meeting important people. You have to be able to present a certain amount of elegance to pull off being on his arm. You have to be able to converse with his boss and his boss’ wife about current events. You have to have the strength to not get up and beat the crap out of the woman on the other side of the room that keeps staring at your husband. He’s well-read, he’s nice looking, and he’s got his stuff together. You think other women won’t be attracted to him? Guess again!
OR
• If you want a man that looks “fine as wine”, realize your responsibilities. He’s got swag, a keen sense of style, and the confidence to pull off this image he carries. He lights up the room and causing everyone to turn their head when he walks in. Do you think that he wants some crazy-looking woman beside him? You sitting there looking like a rat-head with some wild hairdo and an outfit that doesn’t really fit your body type… Not a good look. You have to be able to realize what looks good on you. You must compliment him with your style and adornment.
OR
• You say you want a “churched” man, a man of God, a minister even. Great! But, what responsibilities come with this type of man? The ability to encourage and support him even when you’re sick of his “gig”. A heart for God’s people. The will to do the work of God beside him. The art of listening, not just hearing, his woes and worries about serving God’s people. The relentless need for the presence of God in your life….

Just to name a few…

You Hurt Me: A Poem On Forgiveness

You hurt me

Took my heart

Stomped on it

And, now it’s not working 

After all the years of trying to earn me and learn me

You seemed to be possessed

When like the devil

You decided to burn me

No empathy for the loss

Like Hitler, Hussein, or Stalin

You didn’t even try to catch me

When you seen I was fallin’ 

Nope.

You took your chains

A slave to your own selfish needs

Wrapped them around my heart

And ran off free 

Now, I cannot free myself

From this state of mind

I want to let you go

But for some reason, I’m in a bind

Because you hurt me

Took my heart

Stomped on it

And, now it’s not working

A chain around my ankle

A noose around my neck

I feel like I am drowning in the ocean

Tossed from the Titanic shipwreck

Something sitting on my chest

Weighing me down to a bottomless pit

Even though I’m using all my strength

It doesn’t seem to want to lift

It’s powerful, intense, and heavy

Seems like too much for me to bear

As it walks me down the pathway

To depression, gloom, despair

You deserve all this venom I have

Just let me sink my teeth in

Because you tricked me into your spell

Convincing me that we should be more than just friends

Then, you hurt me

Took my heart

Stomped on it

And, now it’s not working

See. I have this feeling in my heart

For a good darn reason

And, I plan to hold it for a while

Forget a month or a season

You knew from the start

That we weren’t going to make it

But, you got me to expose myself

So, I stood before you vulnerable and naked

I can’t believe I trusted you

I can’t believe I trusted us

I can’t believe that I believed you when you said

That we defined what love was

I snuck because my mama said no

I went when my friends said stop

I wanted to be with you for an eternity

No seconds, minutes, or hour hands on the clock

But, no, that wasn’t good enough for you

You low-life, sorry excuse for a man

After I gave you my everything, my all and all

You didn’t think twice, just stole my heart and ran

And, you hurt me

Took my heart

Stomped on it

And, now it’s not working

I saw you the other day

My heart started to beat at a rapid pace

You were with her

And, I saw content all on your face

After that, I felt like I had ran a marathon

So, that night I tried to climb into bed and rest

But, I dreamed about you and her

Only to wake up and feel that weight again on my chest

You won’t get away with this one

So, suffer! Hurt! Feel the pain that I feel!

A wound so deep that no bandage, ointment, or doctor

Will ever be able to heal

I willingly give to you

A cut, a welt, a gash, a sore

Wait! I’m not finished.

Let me search for more

A pain, some torture,

much agony, and yeah some grief

I want you to feel it.

Feel what it’s like to be me

Because you hurt me

Took my heart

Stomped on it

And, now it’s not working

I want to be angry

I want you to know what it’s like to be little ol’ me

But, I can’t get a grip on myself

Because, little did I know, your actions still were trying to hold me

Controlling me and molding me

Into a bitter, hot with anger, more scolding me

What is this God?

What can this be?

I’m trying to get back to normal life

But, I just can’t get back to me

Then, as soft as a whisper

A pen drop, a dime

The Lord told me the problem

And, excuse me, this doesn’t rhyme

Unforgiveness.

Unforgiveness in my heart.

Unforgiveness in my mind.

Unforgiveness casting a deep, dark shadow

Hiding the person I’m trying to find

Because you hurt me

Took my heart

Stomped on it

And, now it’s not working

But now I’ve come to a point of reality

I can see clearly that I’ve been living a lie

I’ve been drinking the poison of unforgiveness

Then, sitting back and waiting on you to die

I can’t call the doctor or nurse

So, what am I to do if I want to be rid of this disease?

I must go to The One that provides

Healing, love, joy, and unexplainable peace

He is the only one that can restore my joy

Clear my mind and rebuild my heart

He’ll help me find where I fell off

Wipe my sins, and take me back to my start

His word is a two-edged sword

I know I need to crack open The Good Book

But, it’s hard to forgive someone that hurt you

Without thinking that I’m letting them off the hook

He is showing me that to forgive someone

Doesn’t mean I have to forget

I am just loosing the strong hold

From around my own neck

What I thought was him having a hold on me

Was really me not letting go of him

He hurt me to my core

But, I refuse to be his victim

I want redemption from him without relation with him

I don’t need him to say sorry or us to even converse

I don’t want a false definition of closure

Because what’s done is done. No need to reverse.

He’s not here because he has moved on.

Got a new girl and I couldn’t care less

I just want to let him and what we had go

Can’t get trapped back into that mess

I want me back

I want back my genuine smile, my hardy laugh

I want to be happy with me

Even if we didn’t last

I have to give my pain to my Savior

The One stretched on that rugged cross

And forgive my ex for all he has done

I want to be the victor no matter the cost

Because he hurt me, but He healed me

He took my heart and stomped on it you see

Until He picked it up and did surgery

Without a scalpel or a knife

He did what He does best and brought me back to life

So, don't say nothing
Stop. Please just save it!
What you've done is buried
And, I swear I'll never raise it

It's easy to write it down on paper
Or try to think it my head
But, I know the power is in my tongue
And, Imma speak until it's dead

I forgive you!
I forgive you!
I forgive you!

ROLL CALL: Ms. Independent? Here!

I was at the bookstore the other day and ran across a very intriguing book. It was a self-help book for women on dating. Inside the book, the author gave different names to different types of women. Examples include: Ms. Matrimony (a women that desperately wants to gets married), Ms. All About Me (a woman that only thinks and cares about herself), Ms. Can’t Let Go (a woman that suffocates every man she dates and can’t let go even after a breakup), etc. Out of all of these names, my best friend and I tried to find ourselves or the closest “Ms.” to our personalities and dating styles. It was difficult because we didn’t fit the criteria for all of the different types of “Ms.” available. So, I decided to create some “Ms.” of my own and develop a blog series on them. First one up… MS. INDEPENDENT!

Why did I pick her first?! Well, it’s always easiest to start by describing yourself…

Hehe…

Ms. Independent (or Ms. I) is described as this, “mostly happy with her single life because anything she needs, she can do herself.” This is me. She doesn’t wait on a man to do anything for her. Actually, she enjoys doing things on her own. She enjoys planning for her future and she doesn’t let her singleness stop her from planning it thoroughly. Ms. I doesn’t date often because she has a hard time finding a man to meet her standards. She can easily not “find” the time to date or seek a relationship with a man. She is too busy building a life on her own!

Ms. I can be seen as too independent or lonely. She can be seen as a woman seeking a fairy tale man with standards that no one can reach. And, to men that do not reach her standards, she can be seen as a “B.” Her friends tell her to date more. Her mother worries if she will ever get grandchildren from her. Her father plays the leading male role in her life for longer than he expected. But, her boss loves her because she puts in extra hours to get her job done perfectly. Her teachers love the amount of time and effort she puts towards her studies. Her local Chinese restaurant loves her business as she is always ordering delivery due to her lack of time to cook a decent meal for herself.

There are pros and cons to Ms. Independent:

PROS

• · Not easily swayed by relationships or flattered by attractions
• · Has little to no need for reassurance from men
• · Cannot be taken advantage of easily
• · Is not easily upset or “crushed” by breakups or letdowns
• · Usually a common source of strength for other women
• · Tends to commit to and finish something that she starts (including relationships)

CONS

• · Has a hard time being vulnerable with emotions and personal information
• · Finds it difficult to be pampered by a man
• · Tends to isolate oneself
• · Has a hard time seeing past her career path
• · May be prideful and too self-reliant
• · May be demanding or tough on men dating herself or her friends

I have never been the type of girl that dreamed about getting married and having a ton of kids. I never ripped wedding dresses out of magazines or picked out venues for my reception. Nope. While all my friends were dating guys in high school, I was searching the country for different colleges to apply to. Instead of preparing to be a wife or a mother, I have spent most of my life preparing to be successful in my career. Now, don’t get me wrong. I want to get married and I wouldn’t mind having kids. But, those have never been roles that I have pursued to become. Instead of investing my time in dating, I invested my time in my education and career goals.

I’m not saying that I’m right or wrong. But, I am saying that this is me. From a very young age, I have had a strong independent spirit. I’m rarely “crushing” on a guy or dating anyone. I spend hours on end planning my future career goals or vacation plans and this is exhibited through my constant traveling and 3.8 GPA.

Well, now that I am 24 years old, I am beginning to start the career path that I have dreamed of for so many years. I have completed my Bachelor’s degree and will complete my Master’s degree in May. As that isn’t enough school, I will be starting my doctoral program this summer in June. When I went to go talk to an advisor in the doctoral program, she asked me if I was married. I told her no. And, she said “Good! Because we always suggest that if you have a family, you consult with them first before starting the program. This program will take over your life!”

Being Ms. Independent, this didn’t bother me. But, I called my mom to discuss the plan that I had begun to map out that included the doctoral program. Not to my surprise, one of the first questions my mom asked me was “So, can you wait? Can you wait another four years to get married? You should think about that.” I wasn’t shocked that she asked me these questions, but I still didn’t have an answer prepared for her.

Usually when my mom says something like this, I brush it off my shoulders. But, I think this Ms. I might be starting to change. I love the idea of having a successful career and I am going to do the doctoral program. But, I never really thought about giving my entire life up for more school. I have done so this far in my life. So, why is it bothering me now? Why am I actually pondering on this so intently? Is this independent lady starting to lose her “mojo”? Uh oh…

What's a girl supposed to do if she starts noticing her the cons of being so independent? Open up, let go of your inhibition, and realize that success in life doesn't only come from a career... It can come from friends, family, and most importantly... LOVE! ;)

Sincerely,

Ms. (Not So Sure) Independent

Condoleezza Rice

Oprah Winfrey

Lust: A Poem

You drew me in

And had your way

Without me having a word to say

You had me in a trance

I tried to get back to God

But, I felt like a thief

Being robbed

I take all of you

You take all of me until there's nothing left

But, emptiness, bitterness,

And the agonizing pain of spiritual death

Because when I laid on that bed

I forgot that I was already wed

I had already pledged my love times infinity

To the ultimate mate... The Trinity

See, I let my guard down

This never happened before

When you slept with me

You were sleeping with four

Four

Inside of me is one, two, three

The Father, The Son, and The Holy Spirit

So, when I first saw you

All three told me not to get near it

See... When I lied with you

They had to lie too

Inside of me

Their table was already reserved

So, they had no choice

But to stay and observe

They said, "No! Look out!

This is your warning!"

But, I didn't listen

Until the next morning

Woke up sobbing

Not sure what to do

I wanted to run

But, I was stuck like glue

This evil paste, such a waste,

Wouldn't let me run or hide

It was too late

Because we were already tied

Tied

Tied

I was so ti(r)ed

Tired of the guilt, the shame, the defeat

When we became one

I became weak

Slowly diminishing the responsibilities

As the bride of the bridegroom

I wanted to let Him back in

But, honestly, I had no more room

This Lust had taken over me

Body, mind, and soul

I tried to run... I really did

But, it wouldn't let me go

It wouldn't let me go

Back to the three that truly cared for me

Back to the three that held my identity

Back to the three that I had divorced... illegally

God said,

"I'm married to those that backslide."

Yeah, I knew that

But, I was too busy trying to hide

Hide

Hide what had died

Hide all the pride

Hide what was growing inside

And, I did

Hide, that is

When he found out

All-of-a-sudden, it wasn't his

It wasn't his?

It wasn't his?!

Everything that I became was his

This attitude was his

This anger was his too

I said, "You took all of me

And now I'm dealing with all of you!"

When we laid together

Some things transferred

I never had these problems

until we occurred

I had left me

I didn't know who I was anymore

Turning this temple of God

into Lust's little whore

A harlot

Like Delilah or Gomar or Rahab

But, I couldn't blame you

I had to take myself to rehab

So, I enrolled myself into a program

Called The Truth

I needed to figure out how I got like this

After being so much like Ruth

The first step was rough

It was to get past denial

I admit I was adulterous

Because I had already walked down the aisle

Wearing my scarlet letter

It was time for me to get better

Good

Better

Best

The Truth had my heart pounding inside my chest

I had dismissed The One

In search of someone

Someone

Anyone

To tell me I was pretty

Someone

Anyone

That enjoyed me being witty

But, that someone came with a price

That someone came with a price

A price

A price

That someone

Came with a price

Another nail

Into The Ultimate Sacrifice

-bnc

Keepin' It Real 2: A Response to My Own Blog

So, I have decided to state a few things about myself in an effort continue my path back to true authenticity… Brace yourself. Here we go:

1. I have an absurd and dreadful laugh. I mean it too. A lot of people know this already. But, no guy that I ever went on a date has seen me in action. I’m already a loud person, but this laugh is the icing on the cake! It is very, very loud and very, very obnoxious. There are no words to explain it. No words. The best way I can try to explain it is this… It seems to be a combination of a moose mating call, the scream of person on the scariest rollercoaster ever and the shriek of a startled chicken. Yeah, that explains it. Well, maybe… Just know that if something is truly funny to me, you will hear it because I don’t know how to stop it from busting out of my mouth.

2. I cannot dance. For some reason, when hip-hop music comes on, my body gets very confused. I tried the party-scene when I was in high school. But, I just looked a mess trying to dance like the other girls. And, my cousins used to just laugh at my insane club dances. I didn’t go often. So, when I did, I would try to combine all types of dances together to get it all out and I would dance the entire night. Then, I would leave sweaty and with a cramp in my side only to realize that none of my dances attracted any of the guys that I was interested in. (They probably thought I was crazy.)

3. I am a true Beyonce fan. And, by true, I mean that sometimes, I think that I am Beyonce. (Is that crazy? Noooo… can’t be!) Just to listen to her music, I have to put on my Beyonce outfit. This consists of… Wait. Never mind. Too authentic. I ain’t ready for all of that... All I can say is that she is a BEAST! Illuminati or not, the girl can sing and dance at the same time and NOT LOSE HER BREATH! This amazes the crap out of me! What I said in #2 is true. I can’t dance. But, when Beyonce comes on, ain’t no stopping me! (when I’m by myself, of course.) I’m in my room swinging my hair around and trying to keep the notes at the same time. Reality kicks in every now and then and I have to sit down to take a break. But, for the most part, I am BRIEonyce!

4. I hate to cry about life, but I’ve cried at almost every movie that I have seen. I mean it too. I abhor crying. I can deal with others crying, but I hate showing that kind of vulnerability in me. Ha! I’m a robot! My friends hate going to movies with me because they know that I will at least tear up. But once, when I cried over a guy, my own best friend didn’t know what to do because she had never experienced this type of cry before! (We laugh about it now… ) Oh! And, when I get the ugly cry at church (you know!), I try to face a wall or something! (Even though it is impossible sometimes…God just be putting my business out there! Lol!) Pray for me, saints! Lol…
It’s crazy because we honestly think that creating a “new self” is smarter than just being yourself. But, in all actuality, it is easier to just be you. Just be you because you are enough!
Let's get interactive here... Feeling like you too want to get some stuff out? Wanna take some steps back to authenticity? Leave a comment on this blog site. Tell me one thing that others may not know about you.

Go girl! Sang!!!

Keepin' It Real: How I Almost Lost Myself

Authenticity is something that my generation doesn’t seem to really understand well. I know this for sure because I struggle with it too. With this mad society full of computerized personalities, it is much easier to create the person that you want to be on Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, or whatever is going to come out next. You know what I’m talking about…

Instead of using a random picture in our computer files, we find the most attractive, most seductive, or most glamorous picture of ourselves to serve as our profile picture (even if it was taken 4 years ago). Anytime one of our heartless, inconsiderate friends tag a more unappealing picture of us, we are quick to untag it and act as if it never existed. I do it all the time! Bad angle or not, it’s still YOU in the picture! Lol…We create the person that we want others to see…

It can be hard to stay authentic. I’ll never forget one of the first times that I noticed my use of the “fake me.” I was 17 or 18 years old and I had been popping off at the mouth one summer evening. My cousin (I’ll call her Cousin#1) and I went to go by other cousin’s (Cousin #2) house because she needed to get something from her. Cousin #1 didn’t have a car. So, I was her official designated driver. I didn’t mind going over Cousin #2’s house, but we really weren’t speaking at the time because of some beef that happened a couple of weeks earlier. But, I took her over there. Cousin #1 got out of the car and got her stuff from Cousin #2. Well, apparently when Cousin #1 was leaving the porch, Cousin #2 said something under her breath about me. I didn’t know though.

Cousin #1 gets in the car and we drive off. As we are turning the corner, she informs me that Cousin #2 said something about me. Well, I was being big and bad that night. So, I started acting a fool. I’m all yelling and everything trying to act like I was going to do something to Cousin #2. Now, Cousin #2 was little, but she was tough. All throughout high school, she got in fights with girls that wanted her son’s father. Me, on the other hand, hates even being around fights. All throughout grade and high school, I would try and get away as soon as I saw people arguing. While everyone else was cheering and laughing, I wanted to puke because it was just so malicious to fight! Even though I had never been in a fight in my entire life, I couldn’t care less because I was really feeling myself that night. I told Cousin #1, “We are going back over there because she ain’t going to talk about me like that!” I could tell Cousin #1 was shocked by my reaction (and a little scared for me…lol).

We drove back around and I got out of the car. Cousin #2 was sitting on her porch talking on the phone. I stomped my big and bad self up the porch and ask her does she have something to say to me. She says no. As I turn around, I hear her whisper a very derogatory word about me. Immediately, time stops and I turn around!

“What did you say?!”, I said.

“Nothing.”

“That’s what I thought!”

I turn around and start walking back to the car. And, I’m thinking that the situation is over. I can’t wait to get back to the car and let Cousin #1 know how I punked her! As soon as I reach the driver’s door, Cousin #2 was right behind me! She starts yelling stuff and hits me in my face! Oh, it was on…

The fight didn’t last long, but it sure felt like it. By the end of the fight, my 5’9” body was on the ground with her 5’ body over top of me. (I will say that she did UNFAIRLY trip me…) She was pulling my hair and I wouldn’t let go of hers either! I can honestly say that I’m not sure if any of us ever really got a good hit in because we were too busy trying to pull each other’s hair and do the windmill.

Now, I’m no fighter. So, I’m not really sure about what constitutes as a win or a loss. But, I will say this. Even though I was on the ground at the end of the fight, she had lost half the hair tracks in her head and I still had my hair…. Soooo…. Ok. Ok……. I l-l-lo- los-los. I can’t say it.

After this fight, I felt not only tired and sore, but stupid! (And, to top it off, Cousin #1 didn’t have a license. So, I had to drive my wore-out body home myself! Ha!)I knew I wasn’t a fighter! I knew that I really didn’t want to fight my own cousin! I knew it! But, I wasn’t being authentic… I was trying to be the baddest chick! I almost lost myself.

What. A. Joke. (That night, we made up… haha!)

Authenticity has lost its way. In our world today, you can create the person you want to be even if you really aren’t that person at all. For example, I got a lot of reaction from putting my 3rd grade school picture on Facebook. Most of my Facebook “friends” had not known me at this stage in life. So, they were shocked, appalled, or just plain tickled by it. Others tried to console me. :) Some commented, some texted me, and one even called me and asked if I was okay! LOL… Now, everyone knows that I don’t look like this little girl anymore… But, this little girl is me. I may not look like her, but, authentically, I am still part of her. Everything thing that she went through and felt in life led up to the image that I am portraying right now on Facebook, Twitter (briesky86- quick plug!), LinkedIn, Bits by Brie, and my life in general!

Look at the image that you are portraying… is it authentic? Yes?! Great! No?! Uh oh. Sorta?! Yeah, that’s most of us. It’s smart to be reserved, but it’s not smart to foolishly act like a totally different person. That can get you laying flat on your back (like me)!

Don't lose yourself. Be authentic.

Tootles!

bnc

Why Are You Still Single? (The Story of My Life)

Oh. My. Goodness. If someone else asks me this question, I will scream! I mean really… what am I supposed to say? “Umm… because I have twelve toes.” “Well, because I at night I turn into ogre like Princess Fiona.” Or how about, “What?! I’m single?! Nobody told me!!!”

Every time that someone inquires about my love life, I just want to shout from the top of the Eiffel Tower, “I’m single because I have standards!” Now, I know what you are thinking… “Your standards must be too high.” Really?! That’s what you’re thinking, huh? Well, you get a big fat F on your forehead for missing the lesson here. Allow me to explain.

You see. For most of my childhood years, I went through a stage that I liked to call “The Ugly Years. The Ugly Years started when I was in the 3^rd grade. I remember the first day that I was enlightened on how ugly I was to another student. It was Picture Day at school and my mom had done my hair in a gorgeous style. She had put spiral curls in my seemingly long, flowing hair. She had put a beautiful flower print dress on me and sent me on my way. I was excited! I couldn’t wait to sit down and flash my pearly whites (that included a set of slightly larger “buck teeth”) to the photographer. I was confident about my hair and outfit. I was convinced that I had what it took to pull this task off. I was certain about myself. However, there was one thing that I was not certain of… That, my friend, was the weather.

I hadn’t experienced many issues with my hair before. I was young. Therefore, I hadn’t figured out the ins and outs of a Black woman’s hair. I couldn’t comprehend the significance of maintaining dry hair. I hadn’t been through the test and trials, the valleys and the dark places that having Black hair can take you. So, I went to school that day on what seemed to be a dry day, took my good ol’ school picture, and went outside for recess. Honestly, I’m not even sure what happened during recess. All I can remember are three things… 1.) I went outside with a head full of curls. 2.) Rain. 3.) I came back inside with an afro. No, not a polished, picked-out, even fro. But, a DON KING, lopsided, tangled mess-of-a-fro! And, I was embarrassed…

Long story short… One of the 4^th grade boys (that I had a crush on) came to me and made me aware of how ugly I was with my fro.

Ok. Enough of that story. (lol) Moving on…

For years, I tried to be “the girl” that guys liked. I ruined my chance with my 4^th grade crush because of the fro incident. I had low self-esteem and a lack of confidence for a long time (due to other situations after the afro story). But, I grew up. I had to realize that I get one life to live and I get one person to live its entirety with… me. So, I was either going to live my life with some miserable person (me), or I could live my life with a fantastic, beautiful, confident person (me)…

I’m at a point now where I have no time for BS. Seriously. A man with “game” is of no interests to me. Forget game. Have some integrity…. It’s funny because in my teen years, I was oblivious to all the crap that guys throw at you. Other ladies know what I’m talking about.

Things like:

· “You’re special to me.” (Special how? Apparently, you think I’m special ed for believing this.)

· “You are different than the rest of these girls.” (This may be true now. But, eventually, you are going to get sick of this “different” girl and want what all the other girls are giving away.)

· “I’m going to marry you.” (Huh? You don’t even know if you’re going to college or not… How can you see this in the future?)

Yeah, we all fell for stuff like this, ladies! It’s like we walked around with purposeful amnesia. Forget that this boy has slept with a dozen other girls at the school. Forget that this boy is barely passing any of his classes. Forget that this boy has never shown any type of respect towards other females. He’s the one!

I don’t think so.

A couple of weeks ago, I was approached by a guy spitting a boatload of game. I swear that he sounded like Charlie Brown’s teacher. He kept talking and I kept laughing to myself (and aloud). But, this guy was persistent and passionate about his game. He really thought that whatever he was trying to whisper in my ear was going to work. (Even though I was still resisting to acknowledge much of what he was saying). After a while of this crap, I started feeling like I was in high school all over again. Like I was seventeen again. Like I was sitting in my school’s cafeteria... again. All I could think was, “Come on! Come with something better than this!”

Don’t tell me that my smile is beautiful. I know that. I paid for it.

Don’t tell me that I’m different than “other” girls. I’m aware of this. Everyone is different from the next person.

Don’t tell me that you could give me the life that I want. You don’t know what I want. Plus, I love my life and you don’t even have a job.

Instead of all this wasted air, tell me something about you because I know about me. Tell me that you are working on yourself. Tell me that you may not be perfect, but you're walking in God's perfect will for your life. Tell me that you may have a messed up past, but it won't interfere with your future. Tell me that you plan to be a faithful husband and a committed father. Not just a husband and a father. Tell me that you have integrity and you're a man of your word. Tell me that you are a Man of God. Tell me that you may not be where you want to be, but you are doing everything it takes to become the man He wants you to be. Not just merely trying. Tell me that you have a JOB. A real job. A legal job. Not making millions (I’m no gold digger), but at least making something. Tell me that even though you hate your job, you’re going to stay until God says move. I need to know that you aren’t a quitter. Tell me that you have a 1-year, 5-year, and 10-year plan because I do. Tell me that you know The Word. I mean, you don’t have to quote the entire thing verse by verse, but have the principles down, please! Tell me that if I try to “come on” to you, you will end the relationship. I need to know that you are doing more than waiting on me, but that you’re waiting on marriage. Tell me that you fully understand your duty to love your wife just like Christ loved the church if you are expecting her to submit to you. Tell me that you have completed something significant in your life. A degree, a business, a nonprofit... Something!

I’m over game. I’m over playing around. I’m over little boys. I’m over being a little girl.

That is why I’m single… (for now) J

Tootles peeps!

bnc

Here it is! The 3rd grade picture! :)

***Disclaimer: I have spent time with some great guys and we just weren't a match. So, if you are reading this... Please know that I am not talking about you the least bit! :)

Just Shut Up and Talk: My Review on Eat, Pray, Love

Ok… so, I went to go see EAT PRAY LOVE yesterday with two college friends (one of which is a “pen” on this blog) I had been anticipating this trip for a while now. Every time I got the opportunity to see a preview for this movie, my stomach would do back flips! I even stopped myself from going online to see different previews because I didn’t want to ruin the experience… (Cuz that is what I normally do)

First off, Julia Roberts is one of my favorite actresses of all time. She is known for her blockbuster hits like, Closer, Ocean’s Twelve and My Best Friend’s Wedding… But, I love her because she still produces the same caliber of work in even the lesser-known movies (The ones that I really love)… This includes how she transforms into a “rebellious” college art professor in Mona Lisa Smile or the young wife of an older father of three in StepMom. Oh, and everyone loved her performance in the all-time favorite hit, Pretty Woman. I mean, come on. She played the heck out of that prostitute roll! She is elegant and effortless in her polished acting skills. So, I just knew that she was going to be wonderlicious in this new movie, Eat Pray Love. (Yeah, I made that word up. So what?)

Second of all, I had heard the story. I’m a religious viewer of Oprah. Every day at 4pm, I am either Tivo-ing or watching Oprah on my small 19” television screen. So, of course, I had already heard of Elizabeth Gilbert and her best-selling book, Eat Pray Love. Her story was fascinating to me. The thought of living in three different countries within a year sounded exhilarating, daring, and a great plan to “center” oneself. I’m a lover of traveling. (No surprise after I traveled to four different countries within 12 days last spring break) One woman audacious enough to travel one year with no other “road dogs” to take along?! Brilliant!!! I wasn’t sure if I was in agreement with the way that she ended and began relationships before she left for her soul-searching trip. But, I was totally for the trip itself!

So, needless to repeat, I was ecstatic about going to see this movie! Before I left, I made sure that I was completely prepared for this journey to the movies. I put on a comfy outfit that consisted of stretch pants, sleeveless shirt, flats, and (or course!) a cute movie sweater. I was ready to enjoy this movie with great friends. So, I gladly paid the $10.00 it took to get a ticket, got a great seat, and sat down prepared to be swept away by the brilliant acting expertise of Julia and the invigorating power of traveling abroad! After a slew of previews (some funny, some not), it was finally time! The movie began…

Blah, blah, blah… Let’s skip to the end.

When I credits started to roll, I was so tired that I had the mind to just try and sleep underneath the movie seats until the morning. The movie had tired me out. I was bored and confused at the same time. And, to be honest, I didn’t know why. My friends and I all agreed that the movie was not what we expected… but, we couldn’t pinpoint what exactly was missing. Weird. After dropping my friend off and getting home, all my energy had left the building. So, I hit the sack without giving the movie a second thought. But, I promised myself that I would offer some brainpower to this movie in the morning.

Morning came and I activated the brainpower… it took me a while, but I found out what I rubbed me the wrong way in the movie. It was Liz. She moved from relationship to relationship in search of herself. The problem with that was after all that searching, I don’t feel like she succeeded in her relentless search for Liz. From beginning to end, she listened to words of wisdom from Delia (her best friend), Stephen (her husband), David (her young boyfriend), Sofi (her friend from Italy), Richard (her friend from India), Ketut (her advisor from Bali), Felipe (her last love), etc. And even though she talked throughout the entire film, she did not listen to herself… her inner self. She only decided on a couple of things without being told by someone else what to do.

Now, don’t get me wrong… there is absolutely nothing wrong with seeking wise counsel from someone else. I do it all the time. (Just ask my mother.) But, there is something wrong when you are almost completely dependent on other’s opinions. Yes, everyone that Liz talked to was wise beyond measure. My question is… when is Liz going to tap into her supply of wisdom? I ask for advice from others often. However, usually, I either already know what I’m going to do or I make the final decision after speaking with someone else. Liz did not seem to do this. She would take the mess of her situations to the other person and they would pretty much make the decision for her without any of her input. I disagree with this. I would not be as fervent about this topic with Liz if the movie had ended different… (SPOILER WARNING!) At the end of the movie, Liz had made up her mind that she was going to leave Felipe even though she wanted to stay with him. She, of course, went to Ketut to discuss the issue and he advised to her stay with Felipe. That is all she needed. As soon as she was done meeting with Ketut, she went back to Felipe and made out with him (and sailed off into the “in between”)

Hold it! Think about this! Would she have made that decision without Ketut’s advice?! No! Come on, Liz!!! Time to start thinking for yourself and making some decisions on your own!

Soooo… they say that life is full of lessons. I agree. There is a lesson from this movie (that I got, at least). The lesson is “Learn to Listen to You.” That’s right. Listen to yourself. People will always be able to give sound advice and that is all fine and dandy. However, you know yourself best. So, it is up to you to decide how happy you will be in a situation. Listen to others. Seek and receive advice. Sit down for coffee, tea, or pasta with a good friend and take in all the instruction that they have to offer. But, then, when you get home, sit down and tell yourself what you want. Close your mouth and listen to your heart. Your heart. Not what everyone else is saying, but what you are saying.

Just shut up and speak to yourself. I’m sure that you have a lot to say…and hear.


-bnc