The Forbidden “S” Word

Now, I know what I am getting myself into here with this blog. Not everyone will agree with it. I’m okay with that. Not everyone will appreciate it. I’m okay with that. Not everyone will learn from it. I’m okay with that. I’m still going to write and post it because regardless if you believe it or not, it’s my truth. May not be yours. But, it’s mine.

Tell me. What were you expecting this blog to be about? No. Wait. I know… Well, get your mind out of the gutter. It’s about something else. J So, what is this forbidden word that I speak of in the title?

SUBMISSION.

(*waits for readers to throw tomatoes)

Ephesians 5:22-24 says, “ Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.”

I feel so bad because “submission” has gotten such a bad rep. Women, feminist or not, can’t stand the word and I used to be one of them. But, lately, I have been researching this word more than usual. And, I want to dedicate a blog to bust some of myths surrounding this forbidden word. Here are five common myths about the word “Submission”:

1. Submission means that you are a slave.

As stated in my previous blogs, I am a very independent female. I have done a lot of things in my life by myself and I take tremendous pride in that. In my teenage years, I would hear people at my church talk about submission and I hated it! I thought that submission equaled modern-day slavery. I thought it meant that the wife does what the husband says and he gets to lounge as she breaks her back. She cooks, cleans, watches the kids, and holds down a full-time job. While, he works all day and comes home to relax. Although some men do this, this is not the definition of submission. Submission has nothing to do with the roles that men and women play in their households. My parents have taught me this. The Bible does not say that the woman has to cook and the man handles the bills. Each home has it’s own “roles” that the husband and wife take up naturally. So, if the man cooks better and he enjoys it, he can cook. If the woman is better with money and enjoys handling the finances, she can do that. Don’t be confused. Submission doesn’t mean that you have to take up certain household tasks. And, no one should be a slave. The household tasks should be split as each person is comfortable with.

2. Submission means that you are less important.

Without a wife, there is no husband. Without a husband, there is no wife. No one person is more important than the other. Think about this. When Adam was created, God saw him and decided that he needed a partner. Someone that he could love. Someone that he could work together with. Someone that he could bounce ideas off of, talk to, procreate with, laugh with, etc. He needed Eve to fulfill his purpose. Just because he was created first doesn’t make him more important. That is like saying that every first-born child is more important than the other children to the parents. It’s the same thing with men and women. Society has confused us. Women have been overlooked and degraded for so many years that we, as a society, have begun to think that women are supposed to be treated as such. This isn’t true. And, it’s not the way God planned it either. Both sexes are equally important.

3. Submission means that your opinion doesn’t count.

If this is true, count me out of marriage… lol! Ok. Seriously. This isn’t true either. I’m not sure how we read the Bible and get a totally different interpretation than what God was saying. But, we do it ALL the time. Submission does not mean that the wife has no say-so. This isn’t even realistic. Especially with the women of today. We don’t take easily to people (men or women) that tell us our opinion doesn’t matter. As wives, we can voice our opinion to both the husband and to God. As a matter of fact, God desires this. He tells us to make our requests known. If your husband is truly after the heart of God, he will want to know your opinions to. He will realize that your opinion is both valid and necessary. He will want to make sure that you are comfortable with the household decisions because he cares about you. If he doesn’t do this, don’t get mad at God because God doesn’t approve.

4. Submission lets the man get off easy.

Nope. Nope. Nope. Another issue that our society has is being misinformed and doing nothing about it. So, do me a favor. Keep reading after the scripture I gave you. It says that husbands must love their wives just like Christ loved the church. To fully understand this, you must be able to fully understand how much Christ loved the church. Jesus Christ didn’t just walk around casting out devils, healing the sick, and checking Pharisees. He willingly laid down his own life for a world of people that would slay Him continuously. They literally beat Him, spit on Him, mocked Him, and banged nails into his flesh. He was aware that more people would hate Him than would love Him. He could’ve called a multitude of angels to rescue Him. Yet, He stayed on that cross. This is true love. This is the love that a man is supposed to display for his wife and family. So, no, he isn’t getting off easy. He has a huge pair of shoes to fill. He must be concerned about his wife before he even thinks about himself just like Christ. The Bible also says that husbands must love their wives as they love their own bodies. I could go on and on about that but, you can figure that out on your own. ;)

5. Submission means he gets all the credit.

This is a myth too, people. Submission means that you surrender to the mission of your family. It’s not about who gets the credit or who’s in charge. Respect is one of the biggest needs a man has. Submission is about respecting your husband enough to let him lead the family, not dictate. This is done as he (as stated in #4) loves his wife as Christ loves the church. (And, excuse me. But, there seems to be nothing more attractive than a man that knows how to lead with confidence.) When you truly love your occupation, you don’t care if your boss gets the credit or not. You just do what you are supposed to do. And, if your boss is both ethical and grateful, he/she will give you the credit that you deserve. This is the same in marriage. You fulfill your role as a wife because you love your family. Not because you want credit. And, if your husband loves you and is grateful for you, he will give you the credit that you deserve.

I’m not writing this as someone that has experienced marriage. But, I am writing this as someone that is still learning about marriage and preparing myself for such an important role as a wife. I want to go into my marriage understanding the importance of submission, not wrestling with the idea of it. So, this blog is a lesson for me as well… I know how hard it is to wrap one's heart around a word that has been attached with such great negativity. But, sit down and think about it. Think about how important it is for a wife to yield to the mission of the family, support her man, and allow her man to feel respected. It doesn’t make you powerless. It makes you powerful. Remember, love isn’t a power struggle. It's about letting your guard down and letting someone care for you as you care for them.

“When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace.” -Jim Hendrix

Talk Is Cheap: Be Expensive

I once heard a quote that said, “If you sell yourself cheap, only cheap people will buy you.” Wow. This is the truth! Think about it for a second…. I’m a total sale shopper. So, when I go into a store, I walk right past the items at the front of the store and make a beeline to the clearance items. The bigger the sale, the more excited I get! Why am I a sale shopper??? Because I only have sale money! I have a small amount of money that I have to spend and I’m not going to use my entire shopping budget to buy one expensive thing. I rather buy a whole bunch of cheap stuff! If I had more money, I would buy more expensive things. Do you know what I would do to buy a pair of Christian Louboutin shoes? I would love to walk in those cloud-like shoes with the red bottoms! But, I refuse to use my whole check to buy a pair. So, right now I’m hitting up DSW (used to be Payless) with the hope of finding some really cute, really cheap shoes!
Did you hear what I said? I don’t have much money, so I buy what I can afford.

This is the same with the relationships. How? Glad you asked!

If you could put a dollar amount on you, how much would it be? A hundred dollars? A thousand? How about a trillion? I’m sure that someone is saying, “I’m worth infinity!” But, how did you come up with this number?

If you said that you are worth an enormous amount of money, explain why. What makes you this expensive? Your value is derived from what you have to offer. Let’s be real. If you have nothing to offer, you will not attract a high bidder.

Louboutin shoes are not expensive just because. These shoes are said to be some of the most comfortable heels ever made. These shoes are usually decorated with elaborate feathers, the highest valued python, plush satin, and atypical designs not seen anywhere else. In particular, one Louboutin shoe design is made from the finest alligator skin and sells for about $4,700.

I hear females talk about their dream man all the time. They want a man that makes 6-figures. A man that is loving and caring. A man that rubs your feet and massages your head. A faithful man. A man that can buy a mansion and with a white picket fence. A man that will protect you. A man that resembles Boris Kodjoe or Idris Elba. A man that loves God. Well, that is all fine and dandy. I wouldn’t mind that myself! But, how do you plan to attract a man like this? As women, we must be aware of our responsibility in attracting a man like this… You cannot go around looking like “Who do it? And what for?” and expect to attract a man like that.

Evaluate what you have to offer. Offer some class. Offer some elegance. Offer some grace. Offer some sophistication and maturity. This doesn’t mean that you forget who you are or you lose your personality. But, there comes a time in every woman’s life when refinement is necessary. So, be honest with yourself…

You teach men how to treat you.
I remember a time when I was letting a guy treat me less than I was worth. I really liked this guy. So, I let him get away with things to appease him and his mammoth ego. One thing that stuck out to me was that he would never call me. Never. He would only text me. What?! That is both rude and suspicious. But, I let him do it. I remember asking him one time why he never called me and he said that it wasn’t necessary. Wasn’t necessary?! Immediately, I should have deuced out on his behind. But, I didn’t. I stayed. So, when he stopped texting me and coming by all together, I found out I was just a rebound girl for him and I had the nerve to be confused!
I thought, “I’m worth more than that! I’m not some rebound girl!”

I knew this, but he didn’t. Why? Because I didn’t teach him. I wanted him to call me, but every time he texted me, I responded without even blinking. I wanted to be a priority in his schedule, but let him see me whenever he felt like it. I wanted him take me on a real date, but I went to his house every time we hung out. So, how could I expect him to treat me any differently??? I sold myself short.

If you want to be treated like a queen, act like one. Don’t go outside with your hair in rollers and your children with snot noses. Don’t yell from one end of the store to the other end in an attempt to stop your child from climbing in the frozen meat freezer. Don’t go to church with your tightest, shortest skirt on. Cover up and have some secrets! Learn that modesty can go much further than showing all your skin. Don’t spend all your money on getting a new hairdo and your kids look like The Little Rascals. Don’t spend all your money on getting a new hairdo and then can’t pay your bills. Wear clothes that fit. Wear makeup that doesn’t look drag-ish. Treat other women right. If you see a woman with some cute shoes, give her a compliment. Don’t be a hater. Don’t be evil to men. Trust somebody! Don’t make him pay for your exes’ past mistakes. But, guard your heart. Don’t let just anyone come and sweep you off your feet. Get a job and keep it. Don’t expect someone else to pay your bills. Work on your anger issues. Get rid of that stank attitude. It’s not cute at all. Forgive. Love. Blush. Laugh from your gut. Don’t bad mouth people. Watch the news. Learn new words. Get a hobby. Fine tune a talent. Sing. Dance. Act. Go to a play. Go to the opera. Travel. Get off your neighborhood block for a little while. See the world. Prioritize your life. Learn time management. Don’t be late to everything. (That was for me.) Make some promises to yourself and fulfill them. Increase your value!

If you work on yourself, you won’t even fall for the “cheap buyers” anymore.

We cannot put all the blame on men for the way that they treat us because most of us taught them to treat us improperly. Know this… You are a queen. You do deserve the best. You are worthy of untainted love. You are more expensive than a pair of Christian Louboutin shoes. You are the best person to be you. But, it’s up to you to teach men (and women) this! The next time some guy tries to “spit game” ask him how much he has in his wallet because you don’t come cheap.

I’m in the same boat as all the other single women of this world… To get the results we want, we have to put in the work! Smile! You’re gorgeous and very capable!

Tootles!

BNC


P.S.
• If you want a man that has a 6-figure job, realize your responsibilities. He most likely will be going to important events and meeting important people. You have to be able to present a certain amount of elegance to pull off being on his arm. You have to be able to converse with his boss and his boss’ wife about current events. You have to have the strength to not get up and beat the crap out of the woman on the other side of the room that keeps staring at your husband. He’s well-read, he’s nice looking, and he’s got his stuff together. You think other women won’t be attracted to him? Guess again!
OR
• If you want a man that looks “fine as wine”, realize your responsibilities. He’s got swag, a keen sense of style, and the confidence to pull off this image he carries. He lights up the room and causing everyone to turn their head when he walks in. Do you think that he wants some crazy-looking woman beside him? You sitting there looking like a rat-head with some wild hairdo and an outfit that doesn’t really fit your body type… Not a good look. You have to be able to realize what looks good on you. You must compliment him with your style and adornment.
OR
• You say you want a “churched” man, a man of God, a minister even. Great! But, what responsibilities come with this type of man? The ability to encourage and support him even when you’re sick of his “gig”. A heart for God’s people. The will to do the work of God beside him. The art of listening, not just hearing, his woes and worries about serving God’s people. The relentless need for the presence of God in your life….

Just to name a few…

You Hurt Me: A Poem On Forgiveness

You hurt me

Took my heart

Stomped on it

And, now it’s not working 

After all the years of trying to earn me and learn me

You seemed to be possessed

When like the devil

You decided to burn me

No empathy for the loss

Like Hitler, Hussein, or Stalin

You didn’t even try to catch me

When you seen I was fallin’ 

Nope.

You took your chains

A slave to your own selfish needs

Wrapped them around my heart

And ran off free 

Now, I cannot free myself

From this state of mind

I want to let you go

But for some reason, I’m in a bind

Because you hurt me

Took my heart

Stomped on it

And, now it’s not working

A chain around my ankle

A noose around my neck

I feel like I am drowning in the ocean

Tossed from the Titanic shipwreck

Something sitting on my chest

Weighing me down to a bottomless pit

Even though I’m using all my strength

It doesn’t seem to want to lift

It’s powerful, intense, and heavy

Seems like too much for me to bear

As it walks me down the pathway

To depression, gloom, despair

You deserve all this venom I have

Just let me sink my teeth in

Because you tricked me into your spell

Convincing me that we should be more than just friends

Then, you hurt me

Took my heart

Stomped on it

And, now it’s not working

See. I have this feeling in my heart

For a good darn reason

And, I plan to hold it for a while

Forget a month or a season

You knew from the start

That we weren’t going to make it

But, you got me to expose myself

So, I stood before you vulnerable and naked

I can’t believe I trusted you

I can’t believe I trusted us

I can’t believe that I believed you when you said

That we defined what love was

I snuck because my mama said no

I went when my friends said stop

I wanted to be with you for an eternity

No seconds, minutes, or hour hands on the clock

But, no, that wasn’t good enough for you

You low-life, sorry excuse for a man

After I gave you my everything, my all and all

You didn’t think twice, just stole my heart and ran

And, you hurt me

Took my heart

Stomped on it

And, now it’s not working

I saw you the other day

My heart started to beat at a rapid pace

You were with her

And, I saw content all on your face

After that, I felt like I had ran a marathon

So, that night I tried to climb into bed and rest

But, I dreamed about you and her

Only to wake up and feel that weight again on my chest

You won’t get away with this one

So, suffer! Hurt! Feel the pain that I feel!

A wound so deep that no bandage, ointment, or doctor

Will ever be able to heal

I willingly give to you

A cut, a welt, a gash, a sore

Wait! I’m not finished.

Let me search for more

A pain, some torture,

much agony, and yeah some grief

I want you to feel it.

Feel what it’s like to be me

Because you hurt me

Took my heart

Stomped on it

And, now it’s not working

I want to be angry

I want you to know what it’s like to be little ol’ me

But, I can’t get a grip on myself

Because, little did I know, your actions still were trying to hold me

Controlling me and molding me

Into a bitter, hot with anger, more scolding me

What is this God?

What can this be?

I’m trying to get back to normal life

But, I just can’t get back to me

Then, as soft as a whisper

A pen drop, a dime

The Lord told me the problem

And, excuse me, this doesn’t rhyme

Unforgiveness.

Unforgiveness in my heart.

Unforgiveness in my mind.

Unforgiveness casting a deep, dark shadow

Hiding the person I’m trying to find

Because you hurt me

Took my heart

Stomped on it

And, now it’s not working

But now I’ve come to a point of reality

I can see clearly that I’ve been living a lie

I’ve been drinking the poison of unforgiveness

Then, sitting back and waiting on you to die

I can’t call the doctor or nurse

So, what am I to do if I want to be rid of this disease?

I must go to The One that provides

Healing, love, joy, and unexplainable peace

He is the only one that can restore my joy

Clear my mind and rebuild my heart

He’ll help me find where I fell off

Wipe my sins, and take me back to my start

His word is a two-edged sword

I know I need to crack open The Good Book

But, it’s hard to forgive someone that hurt you

Without thinking that I’m letting them off the hook

He is showing me that to forgive someone

Doesn’t mean I have to forget

I am just loosing the strong hold

From around my own neck

What I thought was him having a hold on me

Was really me not letting go of him

He hurt me to my core

But, I refuse to be his victim

I want redemption from him without relation with him

I don’t need him to say sorry or us to even converse

I don’t want a false definition of closure

Because what’s done is done. No need to reverse.

He’s not here because he has moved on.

Got a new girl and I couldn’t care less

I just want to let him and what we had go

Can’t get trapped back into that mess

I want me back

I want back my genuine smile, my hardy laugh

I want to be happy with me

Even if we didn’t last

I have to give my pain to my Savior

The One stretched on that rugged cross

And forgive my ex for all he has done

I want to be the victor no matter the cost

Because he hurt me, but He healed me

He took my heart and stomped on it you see

Until He picked it up and did surgery

Without a scalpel or a knife

He did what He does best and brought me back to life

So, don't say nothing
Stop. Please just save it!
What you've done is buried
And, I swear I'll never raise it

It's easy to write it down on paper
Or try to think it my head
But, I know the power is in my tongue
And, Imma speak until it's dead

I forgive you!
I forgive you!
I forgive you!

ROLL CALL: Ms. Independent? Here!

I was at the bookstore the other day and ran across a very intriguing book. It was a self-help book for women on dating. Inside the book, the author gave different names to different types of women. Examples include: Ms. Matrimony (a women that desperately wants to gets married), Ms. All About Me (a woman that only thinks and cares about herself), Ms. Can’t Let Go (a woman that suffocates every man she dates and can’t let go even after a breakup), etc. Out of all of these names, my best friend and I tried to find ourselves or the closest “Ms.” to our personalities and dating styles. It was difficult because we didn’t fit the criteria for all of the different types of “Ms.” available. So, I decided to create some “Ms.” of my own and develop a blog series on them. First one up… MS. INDEPENDENT!

Why did I pick her first?! Well, it’s always easiest to start by describing yourself…

Hehe…

Ms. Independent (or Ms. I) is described as this, “mostly happy with her single life because anything she needs, she can do herself.” This is me. She doesn’t wait on a man to do anything for her. Actually, she enjoys doing things on her own. She enjoys planning for her future and she doesn’t let her singleness stop her from planning it thoroughly. Ms. I doesn’t date often because she has a hard time finding a man to meet her standards. She can easily not “find” the time to date or seek a relationship with a man. She is too busy building a life on her own!

Ms. I can be seen as too independent or lonely. She can be seen as a woman seeking a fairy tale man with standards that no one can reach. And, to men that do not reach her standards, she can be seen as a “B.” Her friends tell her to date more. Her mother worries if she will ever get grandchildren from her. Her father plays the leading male role in her life for longer than he expected. But, her boss loves her because she puts in extra hours to get her job done perfectly. Her teachers love the amount of time and effort she puts towards her studies. Her local Chinese restaurant loves her business as she is always ordering delivery due to her lack of time to cook a decent meal for herself.

There are pros and cons to Ms. Independent:

PROS

• · Not easily swayed by relationships or flattered by attractions
• · Has little to no need for reassurance from men
• · Cannot be taken advantage of easily
• · Is not easily upset or “crushed” by breakups or letdowns
• · Usually a common source of strength for other women
• · Tends to commit to and finish something that she starts (including relationships)

CONS

• · Has a hard time being vulnerable with emotions and personal information
• · Finds it difficult to be pampered by a man
• · Tends to isolate oneself
• · Has a hard time seeing past her career path
• · May be prideful and too self-reliant
• · May be demanding or tough on men dating herself or her friends

I have never been the type of girl that dreamed about getting married and having a ton of kids. I never ripped wedding dresses out of magazines or picked out venues for my reception. Nope. While all my friends were dating guys in high school, I was searching the country for different colleges to apply to. Instead of preparing to be a wife or a mother, I have spent most of my life preparing to be successful in my career. Now, don’t get me wrong. I want to get married and I wouldn’t mind having kids. But, those have never been roles that I have pursued to become. Instead of investing my time in dating, I invested my time in my education and career goals.

I’m not saying that I’m right or wrong. But, I am saying that this is me. From a very young age, I have had a strong independent spirit. I’m rarely “crushing” on a guy or dating anyone. I spend hours on end planning my future career goals or vacation plans and this is exhibited through my constant traveling and 3.8 GPA.

Well, now that I am 24 years old, I am beginning to start the career path that I have dreamed of for so many years. I have completed my Bachelor’s degree and will complete my Master’s degree in May. As that isn’t enough school, I will be starting my doctoral program this summer in June. When I went to go talk to an advisor in the doctoral program, she asked me if I was married. I told her no. And, she said “Good! Because we always suggest that if you have a family, you consult with them first before starting the program. This program will take over your life!”

Being Ms. Independent, this didn’t bother me. But, I called my mom to discuss the plan that I had begun to map out that included the doctoral program. Not to my surprise, one of the first questions my mom asked me was “So, can you wait? Can you wait another four years to get married? You should think about that.” I wasn’t shocked that she asked me these questions, but I still didn’t have an answer prepared for her.

Usually when my mom says something like this, I brush it off my shoulders. But, I think this Ms. I might be starting to change. I love the idea of having a successful career and I am going to do the doctoral program. But, I never really thought about giving my entire life up for more school. I have done so this far in my life. So, why is it bothering me now? Why am I actually pondering on this so intently? Is this independent lady starting to lose her “mojo”? Uh oh…

What's a girl supposed to do if she starts noticing her the cons of being so independent? Open up, let go of your inhibition, and realize that success in life doesn't only come from a career... It can come from friends, family, and most importantly... LOVE! ;)

Sincerely,

Ms. (Not So Sure) Independent

Condoleezza Rice

Oprah Winfrey