To My Future Husband

Dear Future Husband,

I have not met you yet. But, I want you to be keenly aware that my love for you is endless. Yes. I don’t know your name. Or for that matter, what my last name will be after we wed. But, I wholeheartedly love you. My love for you does not originate from the idea of you being perfect or because I foresee us living a drama-free life together. My love for you is a direct result of my love for another man… Jesus Christ.

You see before my relationship with Christ became exclusive, I would’ve never of been the woman strong enough to love you as you will need. I was broken. Full of ugly lies spoken to me from our great enemy and casting all my pearls to the swine. I would’ve been no match for the man I seek to love. A man full of integrity and strength, but doesn’t take life too seriously- like my father. A man that fell in love at a very tender age yet loved his wife even beyond the grave- like my grandfather. A man that can light up a room and make all your anger towards him melt away with one silly joke- like my older brother. A man that doesn’t have the need to always be “in” with the “in” crowd, but finds comfort in being different- like my younger cousin. I want to marry this combination of a man.

But, for a long time, I would’ve been no counterpart for you. I would’ve been a mass too heavy for you to elevate because I was weighed down by low self-worth, a desire to please everyone, a need to be accepted by even the worst… I would’ve been no wife for you and no mother for our children. I would’ve been jealous and needing your approval at all times. “Whose that texting you?!” Yep. That would’ve been me. I would’ve been seeking more out of life to fulfill my endless search for self-actualization because nothing would’ve kept me content.  Not even you. I would’ve spiraled into a deep ocean of depression with you as my only hope of rescue as I cling to you for salvation-meanwhile, drowning us both. I would’ve made you pay the ransom for all the men I had let into my heart because I wouldn’t of waited for your arrival. Nope. Those men would’ve left the bill. But, I would’ve depended on you to pay.You would've had to be my savior. A position with duties that you will never be able to fulfill.

But, by the immeasurable grace of God, I have learned to love you. And, I still am learning. Every day. No, I don’t own a copy of your biography. I’m not sure where you went to school or how you treat your mother. I am cultivating my love for you from reading a love letter written to me… Not a 4-page letter… A 66-book love letter written directly to me from the best lover of all time. God. And this letter is what others may call The Bible.

I know it may seem strange that I’m learning to love you from another man’s inscription. But, darling, this love letter is molding me into the woman you need, just as Adam needed Eve and Abraham needed Sarah. Our relationship will not be perfect, just like the before mentioned couples. But, it will be ordained just as theirs. Because without Eve, Adam would’ve never been able to experience the illustrious redemption given by God’s undeserved grace that is only offered to those lost seeking to be found. Just as we will have to experience for our marriage to last. And, even though Sarah sent her husband to sleep with the handmaiden, Abraham would’ve never encountered the strength of God’s promise- the promise that lasted through their mess-ups and mishaps. Just as we will have to encounter one day.

This love letter is the best thing that has happened to us. It is the foundation for which we will have to stand… regardless of the rough weather, scary situations, and weary moments. The words “I love you” will flow from my lips to your ears one day and I will mean it with every fiber of my being. But, that is only because I, myself, have encountered the divine definition of love through God’s love shown through His undeniably flawless Son, Jesus Christ, on the cross.

So, I’m here. And, you’re there. But, one day, we will be “us” together. I choose to be the beautiful bride that you long for- not because of my outward appearance. But, because of the inward radiance shining through me from The Father of Light. And, as I continually submit myself to the love of Christ, I am preparing myself for your grand entrance into my life. As you love me as Christ loved the church and I humbly submit myself to your covering, we will be a light for others to see. Not because we are anything special, because we are nothing but filthy rags. We will be a light for others to see because the true definition of love will be the glue that will keep us together even when we try our best to dislodge ourselves.

So, my future lover, best friend, and the God-given father of my future children, I love you. Everyday that I choose to wait for you patiently, I display this love. And, one day, you will have the profound privilege of experiencing it- just as I will experience yours.

Thank you for being obedient to The Lover of our Souls as we, in the near or distant future, embark on this journey together.

Love,

Your Future Wife

Failure and His Friend

Failure is not option. How many times have we heard that statement? Maybe you said that when discussing a work project or how you plan to raise your family. But, Life has a plan too. And, we do not have the luxury of glancing into its future even as much as we wish. There is one thing that we can count on in this life. That is failure. At some point in all of our lives, we will experience love, hate, success, and failure. Whether a small setback or a massive defeat, failure is inevitable and we will all experience its effects at least once.

Failure can be heartbreaking and ugly. But, worst of all, it has the tendency to go and pick up some of his friends. Friends like: disbelief, grief, and worst of all-FEAR. Failure has the tendency to bring fear in your life unannounced and uninvited. And, we all know that fear is tormenting. Just like a scary movie, fear draws you into a world full of a warped reality. As odd as it sounds, fear can’t harm you, but it can paralyze you with lies… especially after you experience failure.

Fear tells you, “You’ll never be anything.” “No one likes you.” “You can’t do it. Just give up.”

The Bible says that fear brings about torment. We all know this to be true. Just talk to a divorcee. When asking about their chances of remarrying, many reply out of fear produced by their past failed marriage and don’t even know. But, it is fear speaking when they say, “I don’t plan on doing that again.” Or ask college dropout when they plan on attending school again. Because of their failed attempt to gain an education, many will speak out of fear by stating that college isn’t for them.

Fear shows its ugly head in so many ways in our life. It is like a chameleon, adapting its disguise by what your current atmosphere is. So, instead of identifying itself as fear, it puts on the mask of jealously when someone else is succeeding in life. How is jealously and fear the same? Glad you asked… jealously is a display of fear because you are only jealous of whatever that other person has in fear that you will never be able to attain it (or maybe you failed to attain it before). Therefore, the fear of things that seem “unattainable” produce jealously in you when someone else attains those “unattainable” things.  Get it?

Fear can also be displayed in through apathy. What is apathy? Apathy is the feeling of being unconcerned or seemingly lazy about a certain thing or topic. Apathy can be derived from true laziness or it can derive from the fear of failure. Once a person becomes waxed over by the fear of failure, they can pacify themselves by just “not caring” anymore. Therefore, becoming apathetic although all they truly wish to do is succeed in whatever area they were afraid to fail.

Fear is such a dominating force. Fear of danger will cause you to drive a different route home. Fear of loss will cause you to hang on tightly to something you should let go of. Fear of disapproval will cause you to seek out esteem where it’s being handed out. There is nothing good that comes from fear. Yet, some of us allow it to take years off of our lives.

Fear is tormenting. But, there is a solution. It’s the exact opposite of fear. And, no, it’s not courage because even someone with courage could experience fear in the same instance.

The opposite of fear is love. And, not just any love. Perfect love only given by our Heavenly Father. 

With the perfect and perfecting love of God, one has no room to fear. Instead of fear, Christ brings power, LOVE, and a sound mind. Yeah. Fear is powerful. But, love is even more of a conqueror.

It was the love of God that allowed Christ to conquer death and the grave. His love is astoundingly mighty. It was the love of God that washed all our sins. His love is forgiving; unlike fear that tries to force you to live in your past. God’s love is redeeming; unlike fear that tells you that once you fail, you’ll never be able to get it right. God’s love is fulfilling; unlike fear that tries to bring about discontentment leading to jealously of others. God’s love comes to bring an abundant life; unlike fear that brings about apathy and a lack of interest in life itself.

God’s love is an undefeated champion. Fear is no match for His love because God is Love. When fear tries to invade your mind and heart, be of good courage. Fear will try to isolate you, so choose love. God’s love opens you up to the endless possibilities of a beautiful life.

So, when you are starting to feel depressed about a failure, immediately stop and combat fear. Failures will come. But, fear must stay behind. The benefit of failure is that you can learn from your mishaps. Fear brings no benefits. So, like everyone else says, “If at first you don’t succeed, go ahead and try again.” It’s a better option than fear.

Remember, failure is inevitable. But, fear? Fear is not an option.

In Between It All

In Summer of 2008, I cut my hair off. I went from locks that hit my shoulders to learning how to taper the back of my neckline. It was a drastic change that I thought I was ready to handle- although I had no experience with short hair. All my life, I had a decent length of hair. After my hairdresser reluctantly cut a great majority of my hair off, I felt so free! So light! So…new!

A new hair cut is great. The bad part comes during that “in between” phase. It’s the phase where you have decided that you want your long hair back. So, you have to grow that short pixie cut out. And, let me tell you from experience… IT. SUCKS.

During the “in between” phase, you are doing all you can to create some kind of decent hairstyle from the mess growing on your head. And, I had never been so disturbed to be a hair-owner in my life. In my attempt to save what little bit of reputation I had from my original hair, I got desperate. Yep. Quick weave, braids, large gobs of gel, and the ever-faithful beanie cap… I did it all. All in an effort to relieve myself from the weight of confusion derived from “The In-Between Phase.” And, as painful as it was, I (just like Gloria Gaynor) survived.

(*swings new and improved hair side to side)

Growing your hair back is not only dreadful because its aesthetically un-pleasing to the eye. It is dreadful because in your mind, you know how your hair could look at its best. You see its potential in your mind even though your reality sucks. So, you’re anxious to enjoy what you know you’re capable of. Anxious for your vision to become a reality.

Anxious for change.

Well, think about it. How much of our life do we feel like we’re spending in “The In-Between Phase”? We’ve experienced new and exciting things. But, now those things have become old and we are ready for something different.

We are in-between. Not where we used to be. But, definitely not where we want to be.

Don’t get me wrong. Not everyone feels this way. Many people live a mediocre-styled life and tolerate it. (Notice I didn’t say “enjoy it.”) They’re okay with working a ho-hum job while living a ho-hum life with a ho-hum spouse, some ho-hum children, and a ho-hum dog. They don’t want more. They have settled into settling. (Let’s call this family The Ho-Hums.)

While The Ho-Hum’s biggest concern is what Ho-Hum will walk their ho-hum dog during their favorite show, The Price is Right, you are thinking of a Master Plan. You have done exciting things in life. But, now those exciting things are being ho-hum-ish. So, it’s time for change. Unlike The Ho-Hums, you eyes burn with passion every time you see your dreams at night and your heart skips a beat every time you see someone doing something even close to what you desire to do.

You have passion, drive, and a plan to change everything around you. But, you’re stuck.

The job won’t hire you, your money is acting funny, you don’t have the proper team to help, etc. Whatever the reason, you are stuck. You are currently in “The In-Between.” Yep, you. You with all your degrees, supportive reference letters, graduating honor cords, well-known family, and popularity. You. Are. Stuck. And, it doesn’t feel good at all. You are stuck between your years of preparation and the anticipated future promised to you during your preparation.

Example: You went to college to get a high-paying job that you love in business. Yet, you’re working at US Cellular as a sales associate.

I know because I’m there. But, there is something so fabulous about “The In-Between.” It’s the secret about “The In-Between” that many people miss… you ready to hear it?

(*does a drum roll) During “The In-Between” phase of life, God is still there!

I know it looks desolate and dreary. But, the exciting thing about this time is that the God I serve is here with me. He sees my dreams. He hears my prayers. He collects my tears. And, He made me (and you) a promise that I would be able to live an abundant life. So, even though it’s only His word I have, I’m hanging on to it like my seat on a rollercoaster!

God promised me in His word that He would never leave me nor forsake me. He hears the prayers of the righteous and they avail much. He will restore everything that the cankerworm ate up and my strength. He will lead me and guide me through paths of righteousness. He sent His Son that I might have life- abundant life! And, He rewards those that diligently (and exhaustively) seek Him.

He is not shocked that we would get bored with life. That’s why there are seasons. Seasons of rejoicing and seasons of grieving. Seasons of laughter and seasons of crying. Seasons of growth and seasons of drought. But, in every season, we must be grateful and ready.

He says be instant (or ready) in-season and out-of-season. He knew there would be an out-of-season and he has prepared us for that. It is nothing but the season of stillness and quiet.

It is when nothing is disturbing us that we should be seeking the face of God. It is a time of spiritual preparation for what we will have to face when our dreams start to come true. Because, believe me, with dreams comes hardship.

But, be ready because when your “In-Between” season is over, you’ll more than likely wish for some quiet days. Those will be the times when you have to stand on what you gained during your off-season.

So, yeah, today looks boring. But, look out tomorrow! Because even if tomorrow is still an “In-Between” day, I will be patient and rejoice because I’m not alone! Yeah. God is the God of the beginning and end but, He is also the God of "The In-Between." He is there. And as exciting as He is, there really is no such thing as an “In-Between” day or phase. Every day His mercies are new. And, I’m thankful for that.


-bnc

We Run The World?! I Had No Idea!

Susan B. Anthony. Spice Girls. And, now, Beyonce. As women, we have endured such hardships throughout history. We lacked the right to vote or drive. We lacked the right to own property. We lacked the right to divorce our husbands. Basically, we lacked the right to an opinion. We have used Women’s Rights, Girl Power, and birth control to gain our independence and strive for equality. And, guess what? After ALL these years, we still haven’t reached true equality. We make less money than men. We hold less governmental positions than men. According to our society, we are the lesser sex. We barely run our neighborhoods. So, why is Beyonce saying that we RUN THE WORLD?!

My readers know my fondness of Beyonce. Her and I have spent countless hours together as she [tries] to teach me choreography. And, she usually consumes my Itunes when I’m tirelessly cleaning on Saturday mornings. I am not a fanatic. I am a fan. (Get it right.) I have to give it to her. The girl (and her team/staff) is smart. Very smart. However, I do not agree with all that she blows through the airways because sometimes she is doing nothing more than blowing smoke.

I believe in equal rights. I believe in women’s suffrage. I believe in women being able to have a voice since we are mainly the ones raising the proceeding generations of men and women. We play a substantial role in the world regardless if we are recognized or not. But, we are not all it takes. (I know that my fellow sisters are going to want to hang me for this. Oh, well.)

I am reminded of a song by one of my favorite singers, Jill Scott. The song is entitled “The Fact Is (I Need You).” And, it goes a little somethin’ like this:

I could buy my own groceries baby

Get my hair tight, my nails right

I can floss my own bling bling

Write the words to the songs I sing

I can even raise the child we'll make

Make sure he's loved and knows what God gave us

I can teach him how to walk and stand

But he needs you to help him be a man

We need you

So hard to say

We need you

Some things don't change

Seriously. I couldn’t say it any better. I am capable of doing so many things without the help of a man. I have done so many things without the help of a man. However, I know from studying God’s purpose of the family; men are necessary. It’s symmetry. It makes sense.

So, even though I love Beyonce’s dance moves to "Run The World" (because it would be great exercise), I have no desire to actually “run the world.” I recognize my strength, my tenacity, and my wisdom. But, I also recognize the same characteristics in my male counterpart. And, I need his help. Just as he needs me. Despite cultural stereotypes, women are not the more intelligent sex. We make dumb decisions just like men (and usually our dumb decisions are over men.) Men are not all dogs. Women cheat, steal, and are money-hungry (i.e. gold-diggers). And, there are not enough Big Mamas in the world to teach the next generation of boys how to become men. Big Daddy is needed too.

I understand where Beyonce is trying to go with this song. I’m just not going with her. Why provide another song to widen the wedge between men and women? Why do we have to be foes? Why does it have to be one or the other “running the world”? Why?! What ever happened to that missing “I” in “team”?

One day, I plan to get married. And, I might even have children. When they look at their parents, I want them to see a union. Not two forces trying to “run” the household without considering each other. My marriage will not be a continual battle because it won’t last like that. I plan to go into my marriage thinking of my husband before I think of myself. And, he will do the same. As the Bible says, two people will become one flesh. How crazy would I look if was punching myself in the face? That is exactly what it would look like if I were battling with the man I share one flesh with.

So, thanks for the song Bey! But, I’m going to have to pass this time. I’m sure all the permanently independent, don’t-need-a-man, won’t-ever-get-a-man, always-a-bridesmaid-never-a-bride women would LOVE this song though!!

Brie

To My Mother: A Happy Birthday Blog

(Disclaimer: This blog is solely for my mom and I. Regardless if I get readers or not, I don’t care because this is a blog that I had to publish for my own heart. But- I hope you can get something out of it too!)

Age doesn’t guarantee maturity and being a student of life doesn’t guarantee that you are learning. Having kids doesn’t make you a mother just as much as standing in a garage doesn’t make you a car. Because bearing a child doesn’t necessarily mean that you are bearing the responsibilities of properly raising it. Don’t be confused. Starting your cycle, having a child, getting a job, or having a “man” does not make you a woman.

I have had the opportunity to witness what it is to be a woman by the example of my mother. I have watched her and followed in her footsteps for years because she has never let me down. My mom is my rock and here are five reasons why:

1. She knows who she is.

My mom is very different. She isn’t loud or knows how to get “ghetto.” She isn’t like that. Actually, she is kind of a “nerd.” Her jokes are usually corny and she has what we call her “blonde” moments. (No offense, blondes…) At our Pentecostal church, she doesn’t scream or shout to preach. But, she is a teacher using wipe boards and worksheets. When I was a kid I sometimes wished she were different when I wanted her to come up to my school and snap on my teachers after I felt wronged. But, as I grew older, I admire this about my mom. She is a quiet storm (but don’t make her too mad). She doesn’t fit the cookie-cutter image people think that she should be. She is herself and she doesn’t try to be anyone else- no matter who doesn’t like it. And, I’ve seen many people who don’t like it.

2. She is a giver and specializes in giving Godly wisdom.

She is a thinker. So, before she speaks she makes sure that she is speaking wisely. If you were to come to her house, you will witness at least 1-2 phone calls in a 5-hour span from someone looking for some type of wise counsel. I love that I don’t have to go outside of my own family to get Godly advice and loving correction. With no psychology degree, she counsels married couples, singles, mothers, and any type of person that needs assistance. And, I have witnessed substantial changes in many people’s lives after being touched by her. As much as I admire greats like Maya Angelou or Michelle Obama, I cannot say that I have met a wiser woman than my mom.

3. She admits where she is weak.

My mom knows that she is not a phenomenal chef or can sew like tailor. And, she doesn’t pretend to be. She realizes what she is good at and what she needs to work on. But, she doesn’t doubt herself any less because she isn’t great in everything. If she says something wrong or reacts to someone with a stank attitude, she admits it, corrects it, and moves on. No need to be hard on herself. She learns her lesson and keeps it moving. This shows me that being weak in areas or having weak moments doesn’t make you a weak person. Admitting your mistakes or weaknesses and moving on, makes you strong.

4. She loves unconditionally.

I have witnessed my mom take so much crap from people. If any other person were to endure some of this stuff, they would have given up a long time ago. She cares for people who have talked about her behind her back or tried to belittle her to her face. And, she can do this because she is strong. Not because she is weak. She isn’t scared or trying to people-please. She just believes in giving people second chances, if necessary. Don’t get it twisted. She doesn’t let people run over her. But, when the same people that talked about her needs a place to stay, to borrow some money, or wants some advice, she is there for them (after talking to my dad and God about it, of course). This makes me want to love better and more abundantly.

5. She gives her all to her family.

My mother will never have to worry about being taken care of when she is old. She has given life to so many children, that we all know the duties we have to make sure she has a comfortable life. Even though she gave natural birth to two children, she has over ten kids that have been had the pleasure of calling her “mom.” And, even though she has three natural grandchildren, all the children that live around our house call my mother “grandma.” She is the wife to one husband though. (Don’t get worried… lol). And, she loves that crazy (And, I mean CRAZY) man with her whole heart. We all may be begging for her attention. But, if he is in need of her- we can just sit down and wait. She knows that in order to keep her family together, she must love her husband first. Our family would not be where it is today if my mother did not do all that she has done.

My mom has survived marriage at a young age, a baby at an even younger age, the death of her best friend (her mother), raising a crazy kid, raising an expensive kid, becoming a young grandma, and so much more. And, with no degrees, awards, or recognition, she stands tall and proud of whom she has become today and who she has molded us into. My mom is first best friend and the one person that I know that will listen to my crazy career ideas, correct me with love, listen as I read all my blogs and poems, critique my outfits everyday, and surround me with love unconditionally.

I love you mom! Happy birthday!

The Forbidden “S” Word

Now, I know what I am getting myself into here with this blog. Not everyone will agree with it. I’m okay with that. Not everyone will appreciate it. I’m okay with that. Not everyone will learn from it. I’m okay with that. I’m still going to write and post it because regardless if you believe it or not, it’s my truth. May not be yours. But, it’s mine.

Tell me. What were you expecting this blog to be about? No. Wait. I know… Well, get your mind out of the gutter. It’s about something else. J So, what is this forbidden word that I speak of in the title?

SUBMISSION.

(*waits for readers to throw tomatoes)

Ephesians 5:22-24 says, “ Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.”

I feel so bad because “submission” has gotten such a bad rep. Women, feminist or not, can’t stand the word and I used to be one of them. But, lately, I have been researching this word more than usual. And, I want to dedicate a blog to bust some of myths surrounding this forbidden word. Here are five common myths about the word “Submission”:

1. Submission means that you are a slave.

As stated in my previous blogs, I am a very independent female. I have done a lot of things in my life by myself and I take tremendous pride in that. In my teenage years, I would hear people at my church talk about submission and I hated it! I thought that submission equaled modern-day slavery. I thought it meant that the wife does what the husband says and he gets to lounge as she breaks her back. She cooks, cleans, watches the kids, and holds down a full-time job. While, he works all day and comes home to relax. Although some men do this, this is not the definition of submission. Submission has nothing to do with the roles that men and women play in their households. My parents have taught me this. The Bible does not say that the woman has to cook and the man handles the bills. Each home has it’s own “roles” that the husband and wife take up naturally. So, if the man cooks better and he enjoys it, he can cook. If the woman is better with money and enjoys handling the finances, she can do that. Don’t be confused. Submission doesn’t mean that you have to take up certain household tasks. And, no one should be a slave. The household tasks should be split as each person is comfortable with.

2. Submission means that you are less important.

Without a wife, there is no husband. Without a husband, there is no wife. No one person is more important than the other. Think about this. When Adam was created, God saw him and decided that he needed a partner. Someone that he could love. Someone that he could work together with. Someone that he could bounce ideas off of, talk to, procreate with, laugh with, etc. He needed Eve to fulfill his purpose. Just because he was created first doesn’t make him more important. That is like saying that every first-born child is more important than the other children to the parents. It’s the same thing with men and women. Society has confused us. Women have been overlooked and degraded for so many years that we, as a society, have begun to think that women are supposed to be treated as such. This isn’t true. And, it’s not the way God planned it either. Both sexes are equally important.

3. Submission means that your opinion doesn’t count.

If this is true, count me out of marriage… lol! Ok. Seriously. This isn’t true either. I’m not sure how we read the Bible and get a totally different interpretation than what God was saying. But, we do it ALL the time. Submission does not mean that the wife has no say-so. This isn’t even realistic. Especially with the women of today. We don’t take easily to people (men or women) that tell us our opinion doesn’t matter. As wives, we can voice our opinion to both the husband and to God. As a matter of fact, God desires this. He tells us to make our requests known. If your husband is truly after the heart of God, he will want to know your opinions to. He will realize that your opinion is both valid and necessary. He will want to make sure that you are comfortable with the household decisions because he cares about you. If he doesn’t do this, don’t get mad at God because God doesn’t approve.

4. Submission lets the man get off easy.

Nope. Nope. Nope. Another issue that our society has is being misinformed and doing nothing about it. So, do me a favor. Keep reading after the scripture I gave you. It says that husbands must love their wives just like Christ loved the church. To fully understand this, you must be able to fully understand how much Christ loved the church. Jesus Christ didn’t just walk around casting out devils, healing the sick, and checking Pharisees. He willingly laid down his own life for a world of people that would slay Him continuously. They literally beat Him, spit on Him, mocked Him, and banged nails into his flesh. He was aware that more people would hate Him than would love Him. He could’ve called a multitude of angels to rescue Him. Yet, He stayed on that cross. This is true love. This is the love that a man is supposed to display for his wife and family. So, no, he isn’t getting off easy. He has a huge pair of shoes to fill. He must be concerned about his wife before he even thinks about himself just like Christ. The Bible also says that husbands must love their wives as they love their own bodies. I could go on and on about that but, you can figure that out on your own. ;)

5. Submission means he gets all the credit.

This is a myth too, people. Submission means that you surrender to the mission of your family. It’s not about who gets the credit or who’s in charge. Respect is one of the biggest needs a man has. Submission is about respecting your husband enough to let him lead the family, not dictate. This is done as he (as stated in #4) loves his wife as Christ loves the church. (And, excuse me. But, there seems to be nothing more attractive than a man that knows how to lead with confidence.) When you truly love your occupation, you don’t care if your boss gets the credit or not. You just do what you are supposed to do. And, if your boss is both ethical and grateful, he/she will give you the credit that you deserve. This is the same in marriage. You fulfill your role as a wife because you love your family. Not because you want credit. And, if your husband loves you and is grateful for you, he will give you the credit that you deserve.

I’m not writing this as someone that has experienced marriage. But, I am writing this as someone that is still learning about marriage and preparing myself for such an important role as a wife. I want to go into my marriage understanding the importance of submission, not wrestling with the idea of it. So, this blog is a lesson for me as well… I know how hard it is to wrap one's heart around a word that has been attached with such great negativity. But, sit down and think about it. Think about how important it is for a wife to yield to the mission of the family, support her man, and allow her man to feel respected. It doesn’t make you powerless. It makes you powerful. Remember, love isn’t a power struggle. It's about letting your guard down and letting someone care for you as you care for them.

“When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace.” -Jim Hendrix

Talk Is Cheap: Be Expensive

I once heard a quote that said, “If you sell yourself cheap, only cheap people will buy you.” Wow. This is the truth! Think about it for a second…. I’m a total sale shopper. So, when I go into a store, I walk right past the items at the front of the store and make a beeline to the clearance items. The bigger the sale, the more excited I get! Why am I a sale shopper??? Because I only have sale money! I have a small amount of money that I have to spend and I’m not going to use my entire shopping budget to buy one expensive thing. I rather buy a whole bunch of cheap stuff! If I had more money, I would buy more expensive things. Do you know what I would do to buy a pair of Christian Louboutin shoes? I would love to walk in those cloud-like shoes with the red bottoms! But, I refuse to use my whole check to buy a pair. So, right now I’m hitting up DSW (used to be Payless) with the hope of finding some really cute, really cheap shoes!
Did you hear what I said? I don’t have much money, so I buy what I can afford.

This is the same with the relationships. How? Glad you asked!

If you could put a dollar amount on you, how much would it be? A hundred dollars? A thousand? How about a trillion? I’m sure that someone is saying, “I’m worth infinity!” But, how did you come up with this number?

If you said that you are worth an enormous amount of money, explain why. What makes you this expensive? Your value is derived from what you have to offer. Let’s be real. If you have nothing to offer, you will not attract a high bidder.

Louboutin shoes are not expensive just because. These shoes are said to be some of the most comfortable heels ever made. These shoes are usually decorated with elaborate feathers, the highest valued python, plush satin, and atypical designs not seen anywhere else. In particular, one Louboutin shoe design is made from the finest alligator skin and sells for about $4,700.

I hear females talk about their dream man all the time. They want a man that makes 6-figures. A man that is loving and caring. A man that rubs your feet and massages your head. A faithful man. A man that can buy a mansion and with a white picket fence. A man that will protect you. A man that resembles Boris Kodjoe or Idris Elba. A man that loves God. Well, that is all fine and dandy. I wouldn’t mind that myself! But, how do you plan to attract a man like this? As women, we must be aware of our responsibility in attracting a man like this… You cannot go around looking like “Who do it? And what for?” and expect to attract a man like that.

Evaluate what you have to offer. Offer some class. Offer some elegance. Offer some grace. Offer some sophistication and maturity. This doesn’t mean that you forget who you are or you lose your personality. But, there comes a time in every woman’s life when refinement is necessary. So, be honest with yourself…

You teach men how to treat you.
I remember a time when I was letting a guy treat me less than I was worth. I really liked this guy. So, I let him get away with things to appease him and his mammoth ego. One thing that stuck out to me was that he would never call me. Never. He would only text me. What?! That is both rude and suspicious. But, I let him do it. I remember asking him one time why he never called me and he said that it wasn’t necessary. Wasn’t necessary?! Immediately, I should have deuced out on his behind. But, I didn’t. I stayed. So, when he stopped texting me and coming by all together, I found out I was just a rebound girl for him and I had the nerve to be confused!
I thought, “I’m worth more than that! I’m not some rebound girl!”

I knew this, but he didn’t. Why? Because I didn’t teach him. I wanted him to call me, but every time he texted me, I responded without even blinking. I wanted to be a priority in his schedule, but let him see me whenever he felt like it. I wanted him take me on a real date, but I went to his house every time we hung out. So, how could I expect him to treat me any differently??? I sold myself short.

If you want to be treated like a queen, act like one. Don’t go outside with your hair in rollers and your children with snot noses. Don’t yell from one end of the store to the other end in an attempt to stop your child from climbing in the frozen meat freezer. Don’t go to church with your tightest, shortest skirt on. Cover up and have some secrets! Learn that modesty can go much further than showing all your skin. Don’t spend all your money on getting a new hairdo and your kids look like The Little Rascals. Don’t spend all your money on getting a new hairdo and then can’t pay your bills. Wear clothes that fit. Wear makeup that doesn’t look drag-ish. Treat other women right. If you see a woman with some cute shoes, give her a compliment. Don’t be a hater. Don’t be evil to men. Trust somebody! Don’t make him pay for your exes’ past mistakes. But, guard your heart. Don’t let just anyone come and sweep you off your feet. Get a job and keep it. Don’t expect someone else to pay your bills. Work on your anger issues. Get rid of that stank attitude. It’s not cute at all. Forgive. Love. Blush. Laugh from your gut. Don’t bad mouth people. Watch the news. Learn new words. Get a hobby. Fine tune a talent. Sing. Dance. Act. Go to a play. Go to the opera. Travel. Get off your neighborhood block for a little while. See the world. Prioritize your life. Learn time management. Don’t be late to everything. (That was for me.) Make some promises to yourself and fulfill them. Increase your value!

If you work on yourself, you won’t even fall for the “cheap buyers” anymore.

We cannot put all the blame on men for the way that they treat us because most of us taught them to treat us improperly. Know this… You are a queen. You do deserve the best. You are worthy of untainted love. You are more expensive than a pair of Christian Louboutin shoes. You are the best person to be you. But, it’s up to you to teach men (and women) this! The next time some guy tries to “spit game” ask him how much he has in his wallet because you don’t come cheap.

I’m in the same boat as all the other single women of this world… To get the results we want, we have to put in the work! Smile! You’re gorgeous and very capable!

Tootles!

BNC


P.S.
• If you want a man that has a 6-figure job, realize your responsibilities. He most likely will be going to important events and meeting important people. You have to be able to present a certain amount of elegance to pull off being on his arm. You have to be able to converse with his boss and his boss’ wife about current events. You have to have the strength to not get up and beat the crap out of the woman on the other side of the room that keeps staring at your husband. He’s well-read, he’s nice looking, and he’s got his stuff together. You think other women won’t be attracted to him? Guess again!
OR
• If you want a man that looks “fine as wine”, realize your responsibilities. He’s got swag, a keen sense of style, and the confidence to pull off this image he carries. He lights up the room and causing everyone to turn their head when he walks in. Do you think that he wants some crazy-looking woman beside him? You sitting there looking like a rat-head with some wild hairdo and an outfit that doesn’t really fit your body type… Not a good look. You have to be able to realize what looks good on you. You must compliment him with your style and adornment.
OR
• You say you want a “churched” man, a man of God, a minister even. Great! But, what responsibilities come with this type of man? The ability to encourage and support him even when you’re sick of his “gig”. A heart for God’s people. The will to do the work of God beside him. The art of listening, not just hearing, his woes and worries about serving God’s people. The relentless need for the presence of God in your life….

Just to name a few…

You Hurt Me: A Poem On Forgiveness

You hurt me

Took my heart

Stomped on it

And, now it’s not working 

After all the years of trying to earn me and learn me

You seemed to be possessed

When like the devil

You decided to burn me

No empathy for the loss

Like Hitler, Hussein, or Stalin

You didn’t even try to catch me

When you seen I was fallin’ 

Nope.

You took your chains

A slave to your own selfish needs

Wrapped them around my heart

And ran off free 

Now, I cannot free myself

From this state of mind

I want to let you go

But for some reason, I’m in a bind

Because you hurt me

Took my heart

Stomped on it

And, now it’s not working

A chain around my ankle

A noose around my neck

I feel like I am drowning in the ocean

Tossed from the Titanic shipwreck

Something sitting on my chest

Weighing me down to a bottomless pit

Even though I’m using all my strength

It doesn’t seem to want to lift

It’s powerful, intense, and heavy

Seems like too much for me to bear

As it walks me down the pathway

To depression, gloom, despair

You deserve all this venom I have

Just let me sink my teeth in

Because you tricked me into your spell

Convincing me that we should be more than just friends

Then, you hurt me

Took my heart

Stomped on it

And, now it’s not working

See. I have this feeling in my heart

For a good darn reason

And, I plan to hold it for a while

Forget a month or a season

You knew from the start

That we weren’t going to make it

But, you got me to expose myself

So, I stood before you vulnerable and naked

I can’t believe I trusted you

I can’t believe I trusted us

I can’t believe that I believed you when you said

That we defined what love was

I snuck because my mama said no

I went when my friends said stop

I wanted to be with you for an eternity

No seconds, minutes, or hour hands on the clock

But, no, that wasn’t good enough for you

You low-life, sorry excuse for a man

After I gave you my everything, my all and all

You didn’t think twice, just stole my heart and ran

And, you hurt me

Took my heart

Stomped on it

And, now it’s not working

I saw you the other day

My heart started to beat at a rapid pace

You were with her

And, I saw content all on your face

After that, I felt like I had ran a marathon

So, that night I tried to climb into bed and rest

But, I dreamed about you and her

Only to wake up and feel that weight again on my chest

You won’t get away with this one

So, suffer! Hurt! Feel the pain that I feel!

A wound so deep that no bandage, ointment, or doctor

Will ever be able to heal

I willingly give to you

A cut, a welt, a gash, a sore

Wait! I’m not finished.

Let me search for more

A pain, some torture,

much agony, and yeah some grief

I want you to feel it.

Feel what it’s like to be me

Because you hurt me

Took my heart

Stomped on it

And, now it’s not working

I want to be angry

I want you to know what it’s like to be little ol’ me

But, I can’t get a grip on myself

Because, little did I know, your actions still were trying to hold me

Controlling me and molding me

Into a bitter, hot with anger, more scolding me

What is this God?

What can this be?

I’m trying to get back to normal life

But, I just can’t get back to me

Then, as soft as a whisper

A pen drop, a dime

The Lord told me the problem

And, excuse me, this doesn’t rhyme

Unforgiveness.

Unforgiveness in my heart.

Unforgiveness in my mind.

Unforgiveness casting a deep, dark shadow

Hiding the person I’m trying to find

Because you hurt me

Took my heart

Stomped on it

And, now it’s not working

But now I’ve come to a point of reality

I can see clearly that I’ve been living a lie

I’ve been drinking the poison of unforgiveness

Then, sitting back and waiting on you to die

I can’t call the doctor or nurse

So, what am I to do if I want to be rid of this disease?

I must go to The One that provides

Healing, love, joy, and unexplainable peace

He is the only one that can restore my joy

Clear my mind and rebuild my heart

He’ll help me find where I fell off

Wipe my sins, and take me back to my start

His word is a two-edged sword

I know I need to crack open The Good Book

But, it’s hard to forgive someone that hurt you

Without thinking that I’m letting them off the hook

He is showing me that to forgive someone

Doesn’t mean I have to forget

I am just loosing the strong hold

From around my own neck

What I thought was him having a hold on me

Was really me not letting go of him

He hurt me to my core

But, I refuse to be his victim

I want redemption from him without relation with him

I don’t need him to say sorry or us to even converse

I don’t want a false definition of closure

Because what’s done is done. No need to reverse.

He’s not here because he has moved on.

Got a new girl and I couldn’t care less

I just want to let him and what we had go

Can’t get trapped back into that mess

I want me back

I want back my genuine smile, my hardy laugh

I want to be happy with me

Even if we didn’t last

I have to give my pain to my Savior

The One stretched on that rugged cross

And forgive my ex for all he has done

I want to be the victor no matter the cost

Because he hurt me, but He healed me

He took my heart and stomped on it you see

Until He picked it up and did surgery

Without a scalpel or a knife

He did what He does best and brought me back to life

So, don't say nothing
Stop. Please just save it!
What you've done is buried
And, I swear I'll never raise it

It's easy to write it down on paper
Or try to think it my head
But, I know the power is in my tongue
And, Imma speak until it's dead

I forgive you!
I forgive you!
I forgive you!

ROLL CALL: Ms. Independent? Here!

I was at the bookstore the other day and ran across a very intriguing book. It was a self-help book for women on dating. Inside the book, the author gave different names to different types of women. Examples include: Ms. Matrimony (a women that desperately wants to gets married), Ms. All About Me (a woman that only thinks and cares about herself), Ms. Can’t Let Go (a woman that suffocates every man she dates and can’t let go even after a breakup), etc. Out of all of these names, my best friend and I tried to find ourselves or the closest “Ms.” to our personalities and dating styles. It was difficult because we didn’t fit the criteria for all of the different types of “Ms.” available. So, I decided to create some “Ms.” of my own and develop a blog series on them. First one up… MS. INDEPENDENT!

Why did I pick her first?! Well, it’s always easiest to start by describing yourself…

Hehe…

Ms. Independent (or Ms. I) is described as this, “mostly happy with her single life because anything she needs, she can do herself.” This is me. She doesn’t wait on a man to do anything for her. Actually, she enjoys doing things on her own. She enjoys planning for her future and she doesn’t let her singleness stop her from planning it thoroughly. Ms. I doesn’t date often because she has a hard time finding a man to meet her standards. She can easily not “find” the time to date or seek a relationship with a man. She is too busy building a life on her own!

Ms. I can be seen as too independent or lonely. She can be seen as a woman seeking a fairy tale man with standards that no one can reach. And, to men that do not reach her standards, she can be seen as a “B.” Her friends tell her to date more. Her mother worries if she will ever get grandchildren from her. Her father plays the leading male role in her life for longer than he expected. But, her boss loves her because she puts in extra hours to get her job done perfectly. Her teachers love the amount of time and effort she puts towards her studies. Her local Chinese restaurant loves her business as she is always ordering delivery due to her lack of time to cook a decent meal for herself.

There are pros and cons to Ms. Independent:

PROS

• · Not easily swayed by relationships or flattered by attractions
• · Has little to no need for reassurance from men
• · Cannot be taken advantage of easily
• · Is not easily upset or “crushed” by breakups or letdowns
• · Usually a common source of strength for other women
• · Tends to commit to and finish something that she starts (including relationships)

CONS

• · Has a hard time being vulnerable with emotions and personal information
• · Finds it difficult to be pampered by a man
• · Tends to isolate oneself
• · Has a hard time seeing past her career path
• · May be prideful and too self-reliant
• · May be demanding or tough on men dating herself or her friends

I have never been the type of girl that dreamed about getting married and having a ton of kids. I never ripped wedding dresses out of magazines or picked out venues for my reception. Nope. While all my friends were dating guys in high school, I was searching the country for different colleges to apply to. Instead of preparing to be a wife or a mother, I have spent most of my life preparing to be successful in my career. Now, don’t get me wrong. I want to get married and I wouldn’t mind having kids. But, those have never been roles that I have pursued to become. Instead of investing my time in dating, I invested my time in my education and career goals.

I’m not saying that I’m right or wrong. But, I am saying that this is me. From a very young age, I have had a strong independent spirit. I’m rarely “crushing” on a guy or dating anyone. I spend hours on end planning my future career goals or vacation plans and this is exhibited through my constant traveling and 3.8 GPA.

Well, now that I am 24 years old, I am beginning to start the career path that I have dreamed of for so many years. I have completed my Bachelor’s degree and will complete my Master’s degree in May. As that isn’t enough school, I will be starting my doctoral program this summer in June. When I went to go talk to an advisor in the doctoral program, she asked me if I was married. I told her no. And, she said “Good! Because we always suggest that if you have a family, you consult with them first before starting the program. This program will take over your life!”

Being Ms. Independent, this didn’t bother me. But, I called my mom to discuss the plan that I had begun to map out that included the doctoral program. Not to my surprise, one of the first questions my mom asked me was “So, can you wait? Can you wait another four years to get married? You should think about that.” I wasn’t shocked that she asked me these questions, but I still didn’t have an answer prepared for her.

Usually when my mom says something like this, I brush it off my shoulders. But, I think this Ms. I might be starting to change. I love the idea of having a successful career and I am going to do the doctoral program. But, I never really thought about giving my entire life up for more school. I have done so this far in my life. So, why is it bothering me now? Why am I actually pondering on this so intently? Is this independent lady starting to lose her “mojo”? Uh oh…

What's a girl supposed to do if she starts noticing her the cons of being so independent? Open up, let go of your inhibition, and realize that success in life doesn't only come from a career... It can come from friends, family, and most importantly... LOVE! ;)

Sincerely,

Ms. (Not So Sure) Independent

Condoleezza Rice

Oprah Winfrey