There is something about shopping that invigorates me to no end. I mean, seriously. I get such energy from just spending money on pretty clothes and other things to make me prettier. It’s like I get this rush all over my body when I am looking tirelessly through racks and racks of clothing just to find one bright shirt that would look good with the new shoes I just bought. I’ll be honest. This invigoration and energy does seem to reduce itself when I am actually pulling out my Visa card to be swiped. Nevertheless, I am still excited about the new items that I will model in the mirror as soon as I get home!
So, I’m sure that you read the title before getting this deep into the blog. Well, I hope you did. If not, I’ll give you a minute. Go look at it!...
Time’s up! I am positive that you are just a tad confused. I spoke so highly of shopping. I really seem to love all that it entails. Aching feet, hungry stomachs, dwindling bank accounts, fatigue, etc. I deal with it all just to the chance to sport a new outfit. I have somewhat described why shopping makes me feel incredible. So, how does all this make me feel despicable? I’m glad you asked.
Shopping has a dual effect on me. Yes, I enjoy it. Yes, I will travel many miles just to do it. Yes, I would sell a child just for the opportunity to spend an enormous amount of money in some high-end retail store. (Of course, I don’t have kids. So, this statement may be very false when I do. I just wanted to add some extra drama.) But, just like any other situation in life, after shopping I usually have a time to reflect. Time to reflect on how much money I spent. Time to reflect on what I bought. Time to reflect on why I bought what I bought. Time to reflect on the whole experience. And every time I come back from a day of shopping, I ask myself, “When will I have enough?”
For you to understand where I speak from, I must take you back to my childhood. So, step in the time machine and let’s take a trip all the way back… Oh, let’s say to the 7th grade. Yeah, the 7th grade. It was the year of 1999-2000. The year that everyone was frightened by the “Millennium Craze.” But, I was a 7th grader. I didn’t care about this. No, of course not. I was only concerned with me. I was not popular in any way and I could count on both hands how many outfits I had to wear to school. My family wasn’t poor. But, we were sure broke. So, I had about 2-3 pairs of jeans to wear to school and the other days of the week I would wear these long (and I mean long…) COGIC skirts to school. (COGIC is a Pentecostal denomination of the Christian faith that I grew up in.) These skirts went to my ankles and usually had some dreadful floral design engulfing the entire material. Yep, one of those kind of skirts. I had a couple of shirts that I switched around from week to week. And, I will not even get on my shoes. Oh, no. Too embarrassing... There was hardly a day that I left my house happy to look the way that I did. I know that almost every kid goes through a phase of experiencing some type of embarrassment or low self-esteem. But, no one informed me of this “phase.” So, I endured it alone.
Now, what does this have to do with my shopping habit? Almost everything. Shopping is a way out of returning back to the years of unattractiveness or a way to soar above the perilous waves of irrelativeness… for a lot of people. When I get home, I look in closet and see a “missing” piece of clothing every time! (Example: I bought shoes this weekend. They are green. And, now I need green jewelry to flow with the outfit concept.) I automatically give myself a reason to visit the store again… ugh! But, there is a reason for this…Look at our country! We thrive off new fads (that are usually nothing but fads from yesteryear.) We “survive” in this society from greed and the pursuit of money, fame, power, BEAUTY! We have a set definition of what “beauty” is. I am African-American. So, this is what I relate to mostly. A beautiful African-American women is typically described as light-skinned, with “pretty” hair (whatever that is), a Coke bottle shape and a light shade of eyes. This is SO not me.
So, am I beautiful? Of course! Who says? Ummmm…. ME!
But, do I feel this way because of my new clothes, because someone else told me I am, or because I told myself? Honestly, because of all of it. With this blog, I do not plan to act as if I have it all together. Oh, no. This is my new diary… So, welcome to my life! I am being truthful here... I’m not sure why I think that I am beautiful. I want to say that it is something that I believe because I told myself. I really want to. But, if I didn’t gain any sense of beauty from what others think about me than why do I blush when someone tells me how gorgeous I am. And, if I don’t believe that I am beautiful from my new clothes, why do I shop like it is my last chance to buy anything? I really have to reflect and ask myself these questions… I believe that God has made me for a purpose and I believe that He created me just the way that I am supposed to be. So, is that the reason I feel beautiful? Sure. But, I am also human. So, I’m not sure if that is the reason in totality. I have to remind myself of this reality because if I place too much of my confidence in one of these reasons, what will I do if that source of beauty falls through?
What if I’m broke one day with no money to get new attire? What if everyone that once supported me and told me that I was beautiful vanishes or turns their back on me? I know that God will never fail me. But, what about those days when I feel like He isn’t listening to me? I have to be sure that I am still who He intended me to be. Balance is key.
So, do you think that I will slow my obsession with shopping down a bit after this epiphany? You do?! Well, guess again. I do not intend to in anyway. (Remember, balance is key.) But, I do intend to create balance and assure myself that come rain or shine, I am still who I am. No changing that!
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